How was your day? Mine was worse. Here’s why:
We are a weird bunch in my office. One of my OfficeMates is getting married in a month and is dieting like a motherfucker (doesn’t need to. is beautiful), the other thinks she’s “fat for an asian” (isn’t. is tiny asian stick insect.) and thus hordes food in the tiny, smelly lab fridge, and the other is me – do I really need to explain? – and so it’s safe to say that the mention of weight, food, and dieting is a common theme in our daily discussions. We usually discuss these topics as we pork out on Tim Hortons, actually. Yum, irony tastes like muffins and shame.
Ok, so as usual I was chowing down on a bagel and discussing how much I hate exercise, but how much I loved having a personal trainer.
ThePeach: *licks butter off bagel* God, I don’t want to go to the gym tonight.
OfficeMate1: *sips iced-cap* But aren’t you meeting your personal trainer?
ThePeach: Ya, I am. *pours sugar into tea*
OfficeMate2: *takes 1 bite of cookie. Hordes rest of cookie in a napkin for later consumption* Is he still cute?
ThePeach: *guzzles tea* Ya, he’s pretty cute I guess. So young, though! He’s like a baby!
OfficeMate1: *sips iced-cap* A hot baby!
OfficeMate2: *slips fingers into napkin. Sneaks 1 crumb of cookie into mouth. Folds cookie back into napkin for later consumption*
ThePeach: He’s not even good-looking. He’s actually really, oddly skinny. I think it’s just the fact that a man is touching me while I sweat and breathe heavily that is attractive. My brain gets confused and thinks we’re having sex. Sex that I pay for. He’s like….my baby prostitute.
OfficeMate1: *sips iced-cap* I wish I had a baby prostitute.
OfficeMate2: *sneakily slips cookie-in-napkin into back-pack, which is full of other cookies-in-napkins which are saved for later consumption* Me too.
So, the fact that I have a baby prostitute was a sad realization. But not the cause of my bad Monday! You just wait!
2) Scrabulous, or why AsianCymbals is a WHORE. A fabulous whore.
AsianCymbals and I have been playing Scrabulous on Facebook for a few weeks now. For those not in the know, scrabulous is scrabble. On facebook. If this doesn’t sound exciting, maybe you should get a job where you sit on your ass and troll the interwebs for any form of entertainment while you count down the minutes until you can go home and watch Dr. Phil. Or maybe you should eat me. Whatever.
AsianCymbals has been FUCKING PONING me at scrabulous. So far we have played 5 games and she has won each one. I used to think I was good at scrabble. Until I played the sorceress AsianCymbals and her vocabulary extraordinaire. The embarrassing thing is that, each time I lose, my stats go up on my facebook profile. So anyone who reads my profile can see that I am being fucking PONED at scrabulous. This includes my new Master’s program classmates who recently added me as a friend. The classmates taking the WRITING Master’s with me. The writing at which I am supposed to be skilled. And here I am, getting fucking PONED at scrabulous. This had to stop.
So, feeling the pressure, I resorted to cheating in our last game. AsianCymbals and her bingos and her triple word scores and her fucking “qat” would finally FEEL THE PAIN OF LOSS. I was referred to a wonderful cheating website by a fellow cheater, and I was literally sweating with excitement and anticipation. I had the first move. I looked at my letters, and thought I could make “snare” for 10 points. Not bad. But what would the cheating website tell me I could do? I typed in my letters. Huh. Apparently I could put down “anaerobes” for a bingo and 85 points. And that, my friends, is when I fell in love.
But a funny thing happened today, bitches. We finally finished up the game, and guess who won? GUESS WHO WON??? AsianCymbals fucking won!!!! I cheated and she still beat me!!! OH, VILE SORCERESS, YOU HAVE THE DEVIL’S POWERS! I put down fucking “anaerobes”, and “foh”, and “ceria”, and “trigs” and all other kinds of words that I previously thought didn’t exist, and I got bingos, and triple word scores, AND SHE STILL BEAT ME! And it’s not like the cheating didn’t come at a price. Oh, no. I was RACKED with guilt the entire time. I felt like an awful human being for cheating at scrabulous with my dear, dear friend. My dear, dear friend who just had a baby, for god’s sake! Here I was picturing her hovering over her computer with a baby screaming in the background, all sleep-deprived and weak, scrabbing with one hand while she latches the baby to her swollen boob with the other, trying to find the strength just to make one more word - and I was cheating!!! And yet, despite the days of guilt, the whore poned me. Again.
After the game, we had a little chat:
ThePeach: FUCK! How did you beat me again????
AsianCymbals: Hahaha, I don’t know.
ThePeach: No, seriously!! HOW???
ThePeach: HOW DID YOU BEAT ME, SORCERESS!!?? I WAS CHEATING, OK??? I CHEATED THE ENTIRE TIME!!! *sobs*
ThePeach: *sobs* I know. I’m a horrible person. But you still beat me!! You beat the cheating website, woman! HOW???
AsianCymbals: Ok, hang on. Let me put down the baby. I don’t want him to see what I’m about to type.
AsianCymbals: Ok…I cheated, too.
AsianCymbals: I’ve been cheating. At scrabulous. I’m sorry.
AsianCymbals: I’m so sorry.
ThePeach: OH MY GOD.
AsianCymbals: I know.
ThePeach: We were both cheating???
ThePeach: That’s kind of…hilarious.
AsianCymbals: Ya, we’re both pretty awesome.
ThePeach: What’s wrong with us??
AsianCymbals: Do you think they have scrabulous in hell?
ThePeach: Yes. But no cheating websites. And all of our words will be 4 letters long and the game will take 6 weeks to finish.
Ok, so this was also a sad realization. But STILL not the cause of my bad Monday! Are you ready for it??
3. Don’t Feed The Spawn.
TheBoss came down to our office at around 1pm today. He brought his 4-year old son. The son looked a little…sedate. TheBoss said the son had the flu. TheBoss left the son in our care. What could go wrong?
He seemed kind of listless and sad. We fed him a cookie. The son then barfed all over the desk, the chair, the wall, himself, and the floor. We cleaned it up. We cleaned him up. The office smelled of child-puke and cookies for the rest of the day. The child whimpered in the corner while TheBoss remained in his office to avoid the puke disaster.
And that is why my day was worse than yours.