Thursday, June 19, 2008

FauxHawk Fails Man-Test; Manhood

So, I have a personal trainer now. I know how ludicrous this sounds. My mom bought him for me as a graduation present, which sounds nice in theory. And then you remember that this is my mom:

Mom: Hhhhi Hhhhoney. I got you a present for graduating.
ThePeach: Oh, you didn't have to do that!
Mom: I am giving you 20 personal training sessions at the gym.
ThePeach:...oh...
Mom: Well, not so much "giving", as "transferring"...they were my sessions, but I bought a treadmill so now I don't need them anymore.
ThePeach:...thanks.
Mom: Now you can get in shape in time for you to go to grad school!
ThePeach:...thanks.

So, ya. I am being personally trained. By a 21-year old meat-head named Greg. I like to call him my personal hottie. But not to his face. That would be weird. He is cute, though. And I do enjoy male attention, even if I have to pay for it. Or, rather, my mom has to pay for it. Is that weird? Ya...

I've had 10 sessions with Greg so far, and the little man works me pretty hard. I sweat like a line-backer around him, so I've given up on appearing in any way attractive to him. Plus this conversation didn't help things:

Greg: Try this stretch.
ThePeach: Ugh, I can feel my rolls of fat touching when I do this.
Greg: Ha, you don't have any fat!
ThePeach: Yes, I do! Rib-fat! Look! *points out rib rolls*
Greg:...um...
ThePeach: I can fit things in there! Like pennies! Seriously, I've tried. Once, my sister and I got high and we put a lit joint in my rib roll. It didn't move. It was like my rib fat was smoking!
Greg:...
ThePeach: Wow, it's not so funny when I say it out loud.

I get awkward when I exercise.

So anyway, I feel like I am starting to see some results from my sessions. I feel a little tighter in the ass region, and possibly in the quad region. It's not like I needed to lose weight, but some toning would be nice considering that my triceps flap in the wind. Bingo wings! Bingo wings!

So, last night, at the bar, surrounded by FauxHawk's beautiful, stick-thin friends, I discussed this with him:

ThePeach: I think I'm starting to see results from my personal training sessions. I feel a little more toned. What do you think, can you see a difference yet?
FauxHawk: No, I don't think so.

FAIL.

I punched him in the ribs with my slightly toned arm, and my tricep flapped angrily.

ThePeach: You mean, you really don't see a difference at all?
FauxHawk: No.

FAIL.

ThePeach: Oh. Well, I think I see a difference.
FauxHawk: Oh. Well, I guess I don't look at you that closely.

FAIL.

At this point FauxHawk's danger-meter finally kicked in, and he tried to back-track by telling me that I was already toned and that's why he wasn't noticing a difference, but it was too late. He had already failed the man-test. To the gentlemen out there: a word of advice. ALWAYS LIE. ALWAYS. LIE. ALWAYS!!!!!

FAUXHAWK = FAIL.

He tried to appease me by ordering nachos, which my toned arms shoveled into my mouth with speed and agility. Greg would be so proud.

ThePeach


2 comments:

iv_eternity said...

haha that's awesome!

you should try P90X - it's probably the best workout regiment that i've tried. it's difficult as hell, but it's amazinggg.

Anonymous said...

"Mom: Now you can get in shape in time for you to go to grad school!"
I thought that would require reading or something along those lines to prep you for school...not squats! But hey whatever works! good luck as I DO. NOT. WORKOUT. EVER.

-Mo