Monday, June 09, 2008

UniversityTown's 15 Minutes of Fame

We made the news today.

Stats Canada released the results of a national study today, and UniversityTown has been rated the city with the second-highest rate of hate crimes in the country. Not bad for a city of 100,000 people. We’re second only to Calgary, where I can only assume they still practice lynching and the running of the Jews.

Seriously, wow. Shame on you, UniversityTown! I’m not sure why I’m shocked. Maybe because there are like 3 ethnic people who live here. Seriously, I think there is one black person. And he’s in jail. I am not kidding. This is the whitest town I have ever lived in. First of all, there’s the University itself: 95% rich white kids, 4% poor white kids on scholarships, and 1% rich urban Asians who dress, act, and look like white kids. The town itself is then divided into two halves: 1) those affiliated with the university/hospital, ie. rich, white professors, doctors, and researchers; and 2) those affiliated with the prison, ie. poor, white, uneducated addicts. We each keep to our own sides of the train tracks. Sometimes we rumble. Sometimes it involves elaborate song and dance numbers. Sometimes I get my life confused with “West Side Story,” but I digress.

When you're a Jet,
You're a Jet all the way
From your first cigarette
To your last dyin' day.
*snaps fingers*

So, I started thinking about these apparent hate-crimes, and wondering how we could possibly have the second-highest in the country unless they have ALL been directed to the one black guy or the one Asian grocery store, and that’s when it hit me like a soggy matzah ball to the forehead: The Jews! UniversityTown hates Jews!

I’m not sure why. The mayor is Jewish. The 3 richest families in town are Jewish and they own and control most of UniversityTown. Maybe the aforementioned poor, prison-affiliated families hate them? Actually, that might be it exactly. Maybe the prison-affiliates should put down their crack-pipes and stop making FAS babies long enough to find jobs? Just a thought.

There have been various “swastika incidents” in UniversityTown in the past few years, but there’s one example of ignorance that really pops to mind. I call it:

God Smites the Haters

Last year during hockey playoffs, FauxHawk, myself, and various assorted friends frequented a certain pub/restaurant every game night. They had a big-screen tv, a stocked bar, and a deep-fryer, and thus met all of our requirements for hockey-watching. One night, after the game was over, FauxHawk and I went up to the bar to get our bills. The following occurred:

FauxHawk: May I please have my bill?
Grizzled, trashy waitress: The Jew wants his bill!
ThePeach: *jaw drops*
FauxHawk: *jaw drops*
Grizzled, trashy waitress: Shouldn’t you be buying everyone’s dinner? You’re a Jew! You’re rich!
ThePeach: …wow
FauxHawk:…no, just my bill.
ThePeach: *kick*
FauxHawk: and hers.
Grizzled, trashy waitress: Hey, are you related to the mayor?

It was surreal. I could not believe the words were coming out of her mouth, but there they were; spilling out of her chapped lips and yellowed snaggle-teeth like word-vomit. FauxHawk and I were in complete shock. I was furious and wanted to beat people up, or at least call the manager and get that sludge fired, but FauxHawk wouldn’t let me. He calmly shrugged it off. I guess he knew God was on his side. Oh, those confident chosen people!

Two weeks later, the pub burned to the ground in an accidental electrical fire. I am not joking! God smote the Nazi pub! Don’t fuck with the chosen people.

I guess my point is thus:
1) UniversityTown is despicable
2) Always unplug your deep-fryer at night
3) Don’t fuck with the Jews.

ps – Guess which city took the #3 spot? CapitalCity.


Tania said...

Source of the research findings?

The Peach said...

stats-can. Or google-news "hate crimes"

Tania said...

I found an article about it on too ... wow, go Ontario :S

Anonymous said...

"Puerto Ricans rumble, fair fight, if we're gonna rumble we'll rumble 'em righhttttt..."

this is all very sad.


Billy said...

I guess the real question is: When are you planning to move to Calgary?