Wednesday, August 20, 2008

ThePeach Has PMS; Predicts Armageddon

Mens beware. This post is going to make you uncomfortable. Maybe get your teddy bear before you read this, you testosterone-riddled babies. Sorry. That was unnecessary hostility. Me so sorry. I can explain.

I have pms. I have pms real bad. I have pms and my pants don’t fit and my uterus won’t shut up. I have pms and if I don’t get some motherfucking chocolate cake in my mouth real soon I’m going to flip right the fuck out. I have pms and my brain is full of ninjas again. Help.

But I am not alone. Every time I bitch to someone about my pms, I find out that they also have pms. Like, literally every woman I talk to is an estrogen-charged harpy right now. TigerCat is cranky. TheHippie is eating 2-3 dinners/night. My friend TheQuack bought a 6-pack of baked goods on her way home from work. All of their assorted female friends are in similar states. Yesterday I was sitting on the couch in my sweatpants, gorging on cornflakes, resting my laptop on my uterus to take advantage of the warmth, when WeeOne messaged me to say that she was doing the same thing all the way over on the west coast.


There is only one reasonable explanation that I can think of:

Satan’s uprising.

I am not joking. If every woman in the world is about to bleed at once, then it must be the dark lord’s (clarification: not voldemort…although, I see no reason to exclude this possibility) doing. Satan is behind this, mark my cranky words. Armageddon is nigh, friends! I foresee it. In my lady tubes.

I left the scariest revelation for last:

My friend TheMarried had a baby just the other day. On the same day that my (and every other woman’s?) pms began. And she had the baby during a FULL MOON! Scary? Yes. Hypothesis? SATAN’S BABY. I’m sorry, TheMarried, but your beautiful baby girl might have been sent here by Lucifer to end civilization as we know it. Her weapon? Control of all uteri.

Maybe this theory sounds a little farfetched, but I know I can honestly say that if I don’t get some GODDAM chocolate cake in me soon then I am going to stab the next man I see right in the neck.

And that’s how it will all begin.



Anonymous said...

You forgot the best part ... I was sooo desperate, I paid $16.00 for that fucking six-pack!

... but, well worth it.


Anonymous said...

My girlfriend has PMS......

Just wanted to corroborate your theory.

The Sky is Falling!

Cleavage said...

I just got over mine...but my time zone is ahead of yours, surely that's it?

the hippie said...

dear cleav

if you just finished that makes you top butch now - tell your uterus to stop fucking with my hormones damnit, i want my own independent cycle.
and myself being high on the bitch/butch hierarchy, i order you to mail me delicious homemade baked goods now whore.

all my menstrual love,
the hippie