Monday, September 29, 2008

ThePeach Helps TigerCat Dodge a Bullet; is a Modern-Day Hero

In the past few years my Mom’s gift-giving skills have really gone down hill. I believe it began the year she gave me a bright purple, suede business jacket for Christmas. The problem is that she puts a lot of effort and money into buying these gifts, so returning them or even suggesting an exchange would make me the world’s worst daughter (more so). The excitement begins as soon as the present is placed in front of me. Her eyes get bright. She starts swinging her little legs. She might even tear up a little if it’s a particularly meaningful gift, like that time she got me the giant red poet’s blouse, straight out of the renaissance.

TigerCat doesn’t get off any easier. My mom actually cried happy tears on TigerCat’s graduation day when TC unwrapped her gift box and found a giant emerald bracelet inside, perfect for an 80-year old or maybe a member of the British monarch. You can’t return gifts like these. You have to keep them, pretend to love them, and dutifully break them out at holiday gatherings. The guilt about how much money our Mom spends on these items is palpable.

So, TigerCat and I are both a little scared as our birthday week approaches. I have to do apprenticeships in the winter, so I fully expect to receive a $500 business suit from Talbots or Laura; navy blue, with pleated legs and some kind of gold braided trim. If I’m lucky she’ll throw in some silk, nautical-print scarves. Land ho!

I had brunch with my Grandpa on Sunday. As we waited for our orders, he discussed gift ideas for TigerCat:

Bobba: Well, Peach, it’s almost birthday week!
ThePeach: Heh. Yep.
Bobba: I’m not sure what to get your sister yet.
ThePeach: Gift certificates.
Bobba: Well, I asked your mom for help.
ThePeach: Oh no. Dear god, no.
Bobba: She had a suggestion.
ThePeach: *mutters* God give us strength.
Bobba: She suggested I get your sister a nice muff.
ThePeach: *spits out coffee*
Bobba: A nice, warm muff for winter.
ThePeach: You mean…like in the place of gloves?
Bobba: Maybe a fur one.
ThePeach: As in, hey, it’s 1947, let’s go caroling in our muffs and stoles??
Bobba: Your mom thought it would be nice for her to wear to work. In the winter.
ThePeach: DID YOU BUY ONE YET.
Bobba: No. Not yet. But I was looking at-
ThePeach: DO NOT BUY A MUFF. DO NOT DO IT. IT IS A BAD IDEA AND TIGERCAT WILL NOT WEAR IT. ABORT IDEA. ABORT.
Bobba: Oh. Dear. So, then what should I-
ThePeach: Gift certificates.

Of course, you know this means that now *I* will be receiving a nice, fur muff for my birthday. It will probably cost $300, and I will never be able to return it, and I’ll end up giving it to Milo to use as a cat-version of a blow-up doll. Milo is going to kitty-bang the muff (heh) and I will have to spend my birthday dressed as a menopausal sailor.

I am the BEST sister in the world.

ThePeach

8 comments:

Amy said...

HAHA I almost peed myself. Tom thinks I'm crazy.

Please, one day, remind me to tell you about my friend Megans, and her ex-boyfriend's gift giving skills.

Anonymous said...

You ARE the best sister in the World! What is she thinking, does she not know us at all? I am 23 for gods sake. Despite my love for the holiday favourite movie, White Christmas, I do not want to look like Rosemary Clooney. She has told me one thing she got you already and if it looks like what she described ... god help you. Why is it so hard to just gice us cash?

Tigercat

Sonya said...

Next time we do interviews, I've got dibs on your grandpa. CALLED IT!

thehippie said...

i once received a full length kilt in old lady greys/purples from my mom for christmas. A FULL LENGTH KILT. i was not allowed to return it. its still in my closet. tigercat, you are welcome to borrow it to wear with your muff.

Anonymous said...

muff....just sounds dirty.

Anonymous said...

the purple suede jacket sounds very fashionable actually. it might be very classy with some acid washed jeans and desert boots.

mo

TheQuack said...

I thought the muff made a brief comeback a couple of years ago ... am I making stuff up? Or, am I remembering an episode of Clueless the series, or something?

Cleavage said...

My sister brought me a bright purple, men's XL ('I wasn't sure how much weight you'd gained recently...') t-shirt from Disney World. On it is a sparkly print of Tinkerbell. Which says "Mood subject to unexpected changes" in more spangles. Perhaps it will go well with the purple/grey kilt and the purple suede jacket?