Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The Things I Do Now

Hello, lovers.

I’ve decided to briefly emerge from my hole. It’s a dark hole. A hole of studying, and writing, and consuming mass quantities of news, and waking up at 6am every day, and not sleeping ever, and forgetting to feed the cat so he eats a hair elastic and pukes it in my bed, and not doing dishes because I have 40 coffee mugs and all I consume is caffeine anyway, and eating chocolate turtles in my sweatpants instead of exercising or being a useful member of society in any way.

Not that I don’t occasionally have fun. I’ll get to that.

But ya. Grad school is hard. Journalism grad school is really hard. I need a valium, an immodium, a good bang, and about 3 weeks of tropical vacation. Prease.

But in the mean time, I give you:

The Things I Do Now

1. I Eat like Poor People
I hate it. Gone are the days where I could go out for sushi every week and make elaborate meals every other night. Gone are the days of fresh fruits and vegetables. Gone are the days of civility. Now is a time of Kraft Dinner. It is a time of grilled cheese with a side of instant oatmeal. A time of casseroles that consist of a can of cream of mushroom soup dumped over frozen peas. I’m one pop-tart sandwich away from having a welfare baby.

TigerCat made me feel a little better when she reminded me that both her and I used to eat this way when we were poor students:

ThePeach: *sob* and then I just dumped a can of mushroom soup on top and called it casserole!
TigerCat. Sick. But we always used to eat like this, remember?
ThePeach: *sob* no.
TigerCat: Remember the summer I lived with you? Remember how we ate?
ThePeach: No.
TigerCat: Remember how neither of us could find jobs, couldn't afford any groceries, so one night I made us dinner and it was ground beef with ketchup served over minute rice?
ThePeach:...right.
TigerCat: So I'd say you're doing pretty well.

A combination of being REALLY poor and too busy to live has lowered me to this state. I will actually have sex with the first person who takes me out for dinner. I’m not kidding. Man or woman. And if it’s sushi I’ll have sex with you in the restaurant. I’ll be your wasabi dream.

2. I don’t Sleep…until I SLEEP.
So I have to stay up at least long enough to watch the 11pm news every night (except tonight, because I felt that blogging took priority over passing my next news test). Then I get up at 6am so that I can read the Globe and Mail and the local paper, listen to cbc, and watch Canada A.M. before I head to class and get my ass ripped by my daily news test.

SO, doing the math, if I were to fall asleep right after the news and stay that way until my alarm goes off, I can get a maximum of 6 hours of sleep/night. This math fails to take into account the writing I do at night, the fact that I’m usually wired off the caffeine when I do make it to bed, and the fact that my cat is fucking feral. I am seriously going to punt him off my fucking balcony tomorrow if he tries to eat my face tonight. He’s also a fan of galloping around the apartment like a possessed steed and howling at the door because his lover, the hall carpet, is calling to him.

But ya. Even on weekends I don’t sleep that much. My internal alarm is set for 6 now. Even if I drink until 3am (which I still do, you’ll be happy to hear), I wake up at 6. I might just stumble to the shitter, pee straight gin, and go back to bed, but the damage is done. I won’t sleep. Not deeply.

So, I’ve been starting to get a little…wonky. Grumpy. Bat-shit crusty, if you will. Last night I was sure that I heard water running in my apartment all night, but nothing was dripping. I decided the leak was in my brain. And then today I had a rare and miraculous day off. So I didn’t set an alarm. And I slept from 10pm until 3pm the next day. I blow myself away.

I’m the hero of my generation.

3. I Drink Coffee Now.
My entire life, I have resisted the foul brew. I lasted one week of class before I caved. It’s awful. My pee smells weird, I have to use mouthwash 3x/day, and I have gut rot.

But.

BUT!

HERRO, COFFEE!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!! I FALL ON MY KNEES BEFORE YOU!!!

I love you.

4. I Go Out when I Can.
It’s usually only one night a week, but I make up for lost time. I can’t let gin forget me. If gin leaves me, I’ll die. And not just from delirium tremors. Last Friday my class went on a Booze Cruise. I managed not to fall overboard or to convince myself that I should be free to swim with the fish/nature. But I did get so loaded that I led the girls in my class in a rousing game of “who would you fuck in our program”. Klassy. And I did get so loaded that I ate both poutine and nachos once we made it back to land. And I did get so loaded that I slapped the asses of my new friends. Repeatedly. Hopefully they understand that it’s done out of love and respect, and only like 30% out of sexual attraction.

5. There’s More, but I’m Tired. Shocker.
I do more things. But I’m tired now. I’ve been awake since 3pm, dammit. Let me see if I can summarize it all in one paragraph.

I have new friends and they crack me up. I use any remaining food money to call TigerCat and FauxHawk daily. I have a cat who humps the couch about 6x/day. Every day, I get lost on the massive campus and discover some new oddity – like a swamp, an underground tunnel, and a cafeteria that serves 9 dollar stir fry. I have had 3 class lectures about the legal dangers of blogging inappropriate material. Heh. TheHippie got me addicted to “The L Word” – a show about lesbians. Interpret as you must. I see my family. My Dad delivers me ghetto groceries and my 82-year-old grandpa tries to kill me by driving me around town. I am becoming a better writer. This is not visible in the blog, where I write like a tard and don’t bother with spell check.

I think that covers it. Please allow me one week before you start harassing me again.

And now to lull myself to sleep to the gentle sounds of the cat morphing into a wolf.

ThePeach

3 comments:

Tania said...

Um...

In response to point #1 - I'm seriously re-thinking our plans for this weekend now ;)

thehippie said...

i believe that was the summer you and tigercat got rediculously high on a constant basis - maybe that was why minute rice, ground beef and ketchup seemed reasonable to eat.

Sonya said...

Dude, 30%? Is that all? SCOFF.