Why does everyone keep thinking that I'm a box-eater? Is it because I make out with girls? Because I only really make out with TheHippie, and she's my hetero life partner. HETERO LIFE PARTNER! We make out because we're in love and because we have drinking problems. If that makes me a lesbian then cut my hair off and buy me a motorcycle.
In the day since I posted about my night out in the BigCity, the following conversations occured:
1) In class
FrogBoy: My friend is obsessed with your blog.
ThePeach: Oh. Yay!
FrogBoy: He keeps talking about you.
ThePeach: Yay! Fans!
FrogBoy: He told me that you seem awesome. This is a direct quote: "ThePeach is a crazy, drunk, whorish, lesbian, cat-lady!"
ThePeach: Yay! Wait. What? I'm not a cat lady.
2) In Spaz's apartment
Spaz: So. You really like SpongeBath, eh?
ThePeach: Ya. She's awesome.
MortalCombat: Ok. But you, like...really like her, eh?
ThePeach: She's really funny.
Spaz: You hang out a lot in class.
MortalCombat: And she got a name in your blog pretty fast. That's kind of unheard of.
Spaz: And you guys keep talking about...bathing.
ThePeach: OH MY GOD. You guys think I'm a lesbian!!!?? Have you talked about this? Is this an intervention or something?
MortalCombat: Maybe you should explain the bathing to us.
ThePeach: It's a joke! A joke!!!
Spaz: About bathing.
ThePeach: I hate you both.
Is it because I once joined a lesbian choir? Because that was an accident.
Is it because I have 9 lesbian friends? That's right - 9. And they're all super hot? Because associating with lesbians just makes me diverse.
Is it because I'm obsessed with the tv show "The L Word"? The lesbian drama? Because that show is just awesome. And just because it features scenes like the one below doesn't mean I want to get doused in oil and tossed about by a femme. Not necessarily. Not today, anyway.
Is it because I once got kicked out of a club because I let TheCrazy take my boobs out? Because I was just being friendly. And do I again have to point out my alcohol problem?
Is it because I was once attacked by a female stripper who took my boobs out (why is this a recurring theme in my life?)? Because that was more like a violent rape.
In conclusion, I am NOT A LESBIAN. Here's why:
- I have never had sex with a woman. Although once I had sex with a man while a woman was present. But she just watched.
- I have never touched a vag. Except my own. And I swear I hated it.
- I always wear a bra, shave my legs, and wear deoderant.
- I eat meat.
- Given the choice between a hamburger and a hotdog, I'll always choose a hotdog. Other phallic foods I enjoy include: popsicles, cucumbers, bananas, wraps, hot-rods.
- I like penis.
Journalism school has taught me to always be fair and give both sides of the argument, so here are some links that don't exactly help my case:
Oh my god. I need to rethink my life choices.