Friday, November 28, 2008

ThePeach is not a Lesbian; NOT A LESBIAN!

The fact that I have to make a blog disclaimer once every 6 months makes me seriously question my lifestyle, but seriously - I AM NOT A LESBIAN!! Jesus!

Why does everyone keep thinking that I'm a box-eater? Is it because I make out with girls? Because I only really make out with TheHippie, and she's my hetero life partner. HETERO LIFE PARTNER! We make out because we're in love and because we have drinking problems. If that makes me a lesbian then cut my hair off and buy me a motorcycle.

In the day since I posted about my night out in the BigCity, the following conversations occured:

1) In class
FrogBoy: My friend is obsessed with your blog.
ThePeach: Oh. Yay!
FrogBoy: He keeps talking about you.
ThePeach: Yay! Fans!
FrogBoy: He told me that you seem awesome. This is a direct quote: "ThePeach is a crazy, drunk, whorish, lesbian, cat-lady!"
ThePeach: Yay! Wait. What? I'm not a cat lady.

2) In Spaz's apartment
Spaz: So. You really like SpongeBath, eh?
ThePeach: Ya. She's awesome.
MortalCombat: Ok. But you, like...really like her, eh?
ThePeach: She's really funny.
Spaz: You hang out a lot in class.
MortalCombat: And she got a name in your blog pretty fast. That's kind of unheard of.
Spaz: And you guys keep talking about...bathing.
ThePeach: OH MY GOD. You guys think I'm a lesbian!!!?? Have you talked about this? Is this an intervention or something?
MortalCombat: Maybe you should explain the bathing to us.
ThePeach: It's a joke! A joke!!!
Spaz: About bathing.
ThePeach: I hate you both.

Why?? WHY??

Is it because I once joined a lesbian choir? Because that was an accident.

Is it because I have 9 lesbian friends? That's right - 9. And they're all super hot? Because associating with lesbians just makes me diverse.

Is it because I'm obsessed with the tv show "The L Word"? The lesbian drama? Because that show is just awesome. And just because it features scenes like the one below doesn't mean I want to get doused in oil and tossed about by a femme. Not necessarily. Not today, anyway.



Is it because I once got kicked out of a club because I let TheCrazy take my boobs out? Because I was just being friendly. And do I again have to point out my alcohol problem?

Is it because I was once attacked by a female stripper who took my boobs out (why is this a recurring theme in my life?)? Because that was more like a violent rape.

In conclusion, I am NOT A LESBIAN. Here's why:
  • I have never had sex with a woman. Although once I had sex with a man while a woman was present. But she just watched.
  • I have never touched a vag. Except my own. And I swear I hated it.
  • I always wear a bra, shave my legs, and wear deoderant.
  • I eat meat.
  • Given the choice between a hamburger and a hotdog, I'll always choose a hotdog. Other phallic foods I enjoy include: popsicles, cucumbers, bananas, wraps, hot-rods.
  • I like penis.

Journalism school has taught me to always be fair and give both sides of the argument, so here are some links that don't exactly help my case:

http://thepeachpits.blogspot.com/2008/09/update.html

http://thepeachpits.blogspot.com/2007/11/thepeach-hangs-out-with-rapist-racist.html

http://thepeachpits.blogspot.com/2007/05/universe-has-message-for-thepeach.html

http://thepeachpits.blogspot.com/2006/12/thepeach-has-girls-night-out.html

http://thepeachpits.blogspot.com/2006/06/if-you-listen-closely-you-can-hear.html

http://thepeachpits.blogspot.com/2006/03/ode-to-thehippie-in-sonnet-form.html

http://thepeachpits.blogspot.com/2006/02/thepeach-goes-to-strip-club.html

Oh my god. I need to rethink my life choices.

ThePeach

40 comments:

TheQuack said...

LOL
I love you.
Heterosexually.

And yeah, it took over a year for me to get a pseudonym on your blog ... and it only happened once. WTF?

FrogBoy said...

I think this quote from you sums it up:

"It was the alcohol, not god, that is doing this to me"

thehippie said...

i would like to clarify to all readers that i also like the penis. for reals. i swear.

Spaz said...

hahahahaha

Wait. You touched yourself once and didn't like it?

SpongeBath said...

The sponging has never exceeded the contact shown in the L-word video. So we're like obviously maybe not lesbians.

Greg said...

Holyyyyyyyy Crappp! hahahah this is possibly the funniest blog ive ever read in my life. Damnit why did you have to move? come back to kingston so I can train you again so you can verbally abuse me!

MC said...

I had a hetero life partner once. I love the references to past blog posts! Haha...meat curtains. :)

Anonymous said...

Well I agree but I contemplate the post should have more info then it has.

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