Wednesday, November 26, 2008

A Typical Wednesday Night

Work has been consuming my soul again. Journalism grad school is a drag.

I was starting to lose my mind around 5pm, so I went for a jog. Maybe this seems like a healthy life-choice, but I should mention that CapitalCity is in the midst of a blizzard. A blizzard of wet, slimy snow. And it was pitch-black out. Within 30 seconds of being outdoors ice-water had soaked through my shoes and socks, my face was crusted with a layer of ice, and I had dropped my ipod in a snow-bank. No matter. Exercise would prevail!

I made it 6 km before I turned back out of fear of death. I was completely saturated with ice water, my lulus had frozen through, and I was skidding along the bike path with the grace of Bambi on his first set of legs.

I got home and showered for approx 35 minutes.

After the thawing, I sat down at my laptop for about 4 minutes before my uterus made a polite request.

Uterus: COOKIES!!!!!!
ThePeach: But…work?
Uterus: COOKIES!!!!!
ThePeach: I don’t even have cookies. I’m trying to be healthy.
Uterus: What’s the point? You’re just going to get fat when you hit menopause. And, let’s be honest – it’s not that far off. Just eat the fucking cookies and cry. NOW.
ThePeach: *sob* I’ll see if Spaz has any.

Spaz didn’t have cookies, but she did have ice cream with cookies mashed into it! Her uterus made her buy it. I went up for a visit.

We spent the next hour madly consuming ice cream, moaning about how much work we have, moaning about our uteri, and making out a grocery list for the Taco Casserole we plan to make tomorrow (Maybe MortalCombat has some cooking tips?).

Then we talked about ex-boyfriends. Then we decided we should get to work.

Uterus appeased, I returned to my computer. I spent 2 whole hours doing work. I was nowhere near finished. I got up to make my 37th cup of coffee.

Uterus: MICROWAVE POPCORN!!!!
ThePeach: Oh come ON!
Uterus: MICROWAVE POPCORN!!!!
ThePeach: *punches abdomen* No! I already ate the fucking ice cream! And I don’t have any more popcorn, which means I have to waste more time by visiting MortalC or Spaz to beg food off them, and I NEED TO DO WORK RIGHT NOW!
Uterus: What’s the point? You’re just going to fail out of school anyway and wind up working in a Burger King. Or as a security guard for a Kellogg’s factory. I command that you find some microwave popcorn, eat the entire thing, and then reminisce about past heart-breaks.
ThePeach: *sob* I’ll email MortalCombat.

Exact copy of the email I sent MortalCombat at 10:30pm, interrupting her sacred Buffy night:

Subject: Emergency!

Ok, it's not an emergency. I just wanted to get your attention away from Buffy.

I haven't talked to you once today and it's an awful thing! I miss my phone.

DO YOU HAVE ANY MICROWAVE POPCORN?? My uterus is begging for some and won't let me rest until I consume an entire bag. Please, for the sake of my uterus, do you have microwave popcorn?!

I am going to be up ALL NIGHT researching FUCKING NORWAY!!!!

Love,

Your favourite mess.

Ps - went for a run today. In the blizzard. It was awful. It was like exercise plus a cold bath.

I did not receive a reply. But then – a miracle! Here is the exact copy of the msn conversation:

Spaz: DO YOU HAVE RED BULL?
ThePeach: Ah, irony. No. I’m sorry.
Spaz :*screams*
ThePeach: I'd go with you to the store but they're closed. Text Muffy for some. And tell her to bring me microwave popcorn because my uterus is CRAZY.
Spaz says: It’s Muffy night. I can't. I have mic pop.
ThePeach: *gasp* I just made some coffee if you want some...
Spaz: Yes! Bring me a cup and you can have popcorn.
ThePeach: ok.
Spaz: a large cup.
ThePeach: yessir, be right up.
Spaz: yayyy.

I carried a steaming cup of coffee upstairs for Spaz. Tradesies! We moaned about how much work we had as the popcorn popped. We moaned about our uteri. We discussed hairstyles. When the popcorn was ready, Spaz said she just wanted “one or two handfuls” before I left.

2 and a half minutes later the popcorn was completely obliterated and we stood beside the empty bowl with our faces and hands smeared with chemical butter. We looked at each other with shame.

Spaz: Wow. We just totally bulimia’d that entire bowl.
ThePeach: Heh. Yes.
Spaz: We should probably get to work.
ThePeach: Yes.

And here I am, updating my blog instead of researching Norway. At least my uterus had a productive night.

Uterus: Someone had to. Fatty.

ThePeach

7 comments:

Spaz said...

*screams*

*falls off chair*

*pounds floor*

*kicks feet*

*dies*

AsianCymbals said...

I love your uterus. It's just like me, your uterus and I are soulmates.

The Science Manly said...

AT least you you a little bit productive today!
Instead of a presentation or research that I should have been doing, I went shopping and the proceeded to EAT a vast majority of the food whilst watching nature documentaries.

Why you ask?

I am tired all the time, my head pounds like it is a Peruvian drum and I can feel my life slowly ebbing away as I combat sleep..... the main way to stay awake, is to EAT!

Stupid school ...*sigh*...food is comforting.
*Munch, munch*

Radule said...

Lol.. it is 5 a.m., I took a nap from 2am to 3:30 and my article which is due in 4 hours, is not done. Maybe, because I prefer your uterus screams instead :)

Claire said...

I can't believe you call it "Muffy night..." ah hahaha

Hubby! said...

I miss your uterus!

Sonya said...

(Huddled in library corner, whispering to self)

She teases you because she loves you. She teases you because she loves you.