Wednesday, December 03, 2008

TheHippie Contemplates Major Life Decisions; To Whore or to Mate?

Dear friends and strangers,

I’m not the best writer, but ThePeach has allowed me to guest blog because I need some serious help. I’m sucky at making decisions, so instead I’m going to let you all vote on my major life decision. I promise to abide by your democratic vote.

Lately being all grown up is on my mind. I’m starting a job that won’t involve me procrastinating all day in sweats and then madly write reports til 4 am. My mom is pushing the idea of me buying a house since I’m working while the rest of Canada is going bankrupt. I now listen to the CBC regularly.

My friends are also growing up. Sure, they have jobs and responsibilities and RRSPs, but mostly I’m noticing that they’re all in love. QueenB is nesting with her boyfriend. Tallfriend casually asked me what kind of bridesmaid’s dresses I like. Cleavage and TheCorporate have flown across the ocean to be with their significant others. So when I’m with my wonderful friends I think wow, I’m so happy my friends are happy! I love love! Growing up is awesome! Maybe I should look for a boyfriend so I can be as happy! Then I go straight back to wearing sweatpants and stained shirts in public. Unless of course I’m at the bar, where I sport the biggest push up bra and low cut shirt.

Last Saturday I was listening to Quirks and Quarks on the CBC while patiently waiting for my favourite program, The National Time Check, when something caught my attention. I immediately panicked and went straight to Google to find the most reliable source of information on this subject. A rip off version of ‘The View’ of course.

So basically birth control is making me less attractive to guys in general ‘cause I’m fake preggers, and its also making me want to fuck guys that are similar to my relatives. And then I’ll marry said guy. And then I’m going to have sickly little MiniHippies with reduced immune systems. WHAT THE FUCK. If you’ve ever met me even once I’m sure you’ve heard my rant on how I’m going to force feed my children dirt and never wash their vegetables so that they have the strongest immune systems of life. Survival of the fittest suckas! But now I’m going to have pansy-assed little children with allergies and a constant cold. And then after all the birth control is flushed out of my system and is working its way into our lakes and rivers to fuck with the fishes reproductive systems, I’m going to not want to fuck my husband, but instead fuck the guys I should have been fucking in the first place. AHHHHH. This has been consuming my soul for the past 3 days!

With this new information I’m now also really concerned about my little sister and all of her fellow rap group members. Listen to their recent release entitled “Crush”:

Birth control is clearly messing with their smelling systems as well! We’re all doomed!! I’m so fucking freaked out right now!!! Our civilization is going to collapse in on itself!!!!

So with all this panic, maybe I should just stop taking birth control. Right? I should take out my Nuva Ring (because I couldn’t be responsible enough to take a pill daily), just be responsible, not sleep with strangers, and double up on condoms. Sigh. This doesn’t sound like fun at all. I really like being slutty, and I still feel like I have some good trampages left in me.

See how tough this is? To help you out with your/my decision, here are some pros and cons of stopping my birth control:

PROS: (I’ve pretty much mentioned them all, but just to remind you)
- Will find hot husband I want to fuck for the rest of my life
- MiniHippies will kick your children’s immune systems in the ass
- Similar to the non-birth controlled Exotic Dancers, I will attract more men, or at least get more tips
- I won’t be polluting our waters with my birth-control pee
- I’ll lose the 5 lbs birth control made me gain

- I will probably end up with an illegitimate child conceived after a night I have little memory of
- That’s a pretty major con

Please vote in the comment area. My reproductive system depends on it.



weeone said...

I read those articles as well... its messed up!!! .

Hippie, you know i love thee.. but having illegit babies is never fun... also... i think even with the birth control we will find someone who is right for us ... we just have to get off the cliff edge, out of the sweatpants and finding ourselves men!

also. buying a house is never a bad thing.. the market is very good right now - and then you will be like me.. house poor :)


Cleavage said...

I suppose I'm immune to this because I found the Englishman online and fell for him before I smelled him? I hope? I do feel guilty about my hormone-laden pee...or did until I lost my birth control and started using condoms, which makes me feel 17 again. However...stay on the birth control, lady. Children make way more pollution than estrogen-pee, even if you give them away.

Anonymous said...

Stay on the birth control! Remember that the News Machine is likely to exaggerate things for the sake of a good story. Millions of people have been using birth control for decades with no negative impacts!

Anonymous said...

ditch the bc! i have a weird thing against that stuff - condoms good, lady-bc bad. gives me the heebie-jeebies.
or, you know, you could try counselling.

Anonymous said...

ok, first of all you have to stop watching these bad online news shows! never trust anyone with a dye job like that blonde lady!!! YIKES! its obvs all a lie! she made up fake swiss doctors from some place called "barren"...hmmm, something doesn't add up!
now is the time to be having fun and wearing slutty clothes to the bar! so stay on the pill and keep rockin' in the free world!


Anonymous said...

I vote stay on the pill and continue to put your breasts in unnatural positions. Besides, everyone knows people don't like bastard babies.

iv_eternity said...

you need to get off birth control. it's not just about smelling out your partner, but about NOT GETTING CANCER, or having a heart attack or stroke, or blood clots! sure, there's an exception to every rule, but why put your body through these unnecessary risks? use a condom (don't double up because it's more likely to rip) and just don't sleep with sleezy manwhores - do everything else, but just don't let him stick his peepee in your vajayjay!