Average hours worked/day (in office): 10
Average hours worked/night (in home): 2
Average hours sleep/night: 5
Amount of money spent at Starbucks: $80
Number of times I bought chips out of the vending machine beside my desk: 500
Average time I would buy chips: 1 hour before deadline.
Average sound of backfat: *scream*
Number of hate emails received: 6
Number of nice emails received: 5
Number of time I shit my pants: 500
Number of clippings: 15
Number of feature cover stories: 7
Number of times editor mocked me for not knowing how to use a mac: 25
Number of times I cried in the bathroom: 2
Number of pounds gained after chip binges: 500
I moved back to CapitalCity this weekend. I was sad to leave Universitytown again, but excited to start another term of J-school. Here are some of the random shiznits that have occurred in my life since my return:
1. FauxHawk Misses the Milo
FauxHawk likes to pretend that he’s indifferent about the chat. He makes jokes about how Milo makes his life difficult when we take over his apartment for months at a time. Just because the cat insists on sleeping on his face, puking all over his carpet, and eating all of his houseplants. Or maybe because his entire apartment is coated in a layer of black fuzz. Or possibly because every time he looks up, the chat is creepily staring at him. Without blinking. Or maybe it’s that little, hard turd the cat left on the living room floor.
Whatever. FauxHawk and Milo are madly, deeply, romantically in love with each other. Evidence: the picture I took of them napping. Look at that embrace. I mean, Milo has his usual bad-ass mullafucka expression, but that might just be because I'm interrupting something very intimate. FauxHawk always denies it, but it’s sickingly obvious how obsessed he is with my cat. Like, he’ll bitch about how the cat keeps him up all night, but then I have to talk him out of buying Milo a wee little cat bandana to wear around the house. Or he’ll moan about how he would never want a cat of his own because they destroy carpets, and then I’ll catch him looking up $100 cat water dispensers on the internet.
FauxHawk: “But he really likes fresh water!”
Or I’ll go away for a few days and FauxHawk will call me every day to bitch about how the cat jumped on his face all night, and then I’ll come home to find 35 pictures on my camera of Milo sleeping in various poses.
So when Milo and I moved back here, FauxHawk attempted more lies.
ThePeach: Are you going to miss me?
FauxHawk: Of course.
ThePeach: Are you going to miss the chat?
ThePeach: You’re not going to miss the chat?
FauxHawk: I am not going to miss YOUR cat.
ThePeach: But you are going to miss me?
On Monday, after Milo and FauxHawk had been separated for a mere 24 hours, I had the following phone convo:
ThePeach: Do you miss me?
FauxHawk: I got home from work today, and my first thought was to go to the kitchen to make sure the cat had enough food. But…*whiny, pathetic voice*…there was no food for me to give, because there was…*voice breaks*… no cat.
ThePeach: But you miss me, right?
FauxHawk's coming to visit the weekend after next. I’ll be sure to give them plenty of alone time.
Second only to tripping, is slipping.
It’s the only thing I enjoy about winter.
In the past two days, I have witnessed three of my friends fall flat on their asses right in front of me on campus. It’s like god has given me a gift to make up for everything else in my life. Hey Peach, your mom has been married three times, hobos chase you around town, and your cat peed on your raincoat on your birthday…but here, have some people falling down.
I’m not worthy.
The first victim was MortalCombat. We were running errands on campus and enjoying some heated gossip when suddenly she hit a patch of slushy ice. Her little legs went flying, she hit the ice sideways, and she skidded awkwardly through the slush on her shins. She completely soaked through her jeans and scratched her hands.
ThePeach: YES! YES! YES! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
MortalCombat: OH MY GOD.
ThePeach: *cough* are you ok? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
MortalCombat: Um, I think I hurt my leg.
ThePeach: YES! YES! YES! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! *cough* I’m so sorry. HAHAHA!
MortalCombat: I hate you.
The next victim was GinBucket, another good MJ friend. It was the same day. She, MC, and I were walking home from a cardio kickboxing class on campus (more on that fiasco later). We cut through our usual path across the field to get home. There were icy snowbanks on either side of the path.
GinBucket accidentally took a step onto one of the snowbanks. Her right leg flew out from under her, the momentum whipped her left leg out, and she landed on her ass and slid along the side of the path. In a flash, she was back on her feet, her doe-eyes looking straight ahead, and trying to pretend like nothing happened. I was having none of that.
ThePeach: YES! YES! YES! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
GinBucket: Nothing to see here.
ThePeach: YOU FELL!!!! *gasps* YOU FELL SO BAD!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!
GinBucket: Let’s just go home.
ThePeach: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! *sits down on path to clutch at sides* HAHAHAHA!!!!
GinBucket: I hate you.
Today a bunch of us walked home from class in the same general direction. We had to scale a small hill. I was with MC and GinBucket, who were still treading fearfully after yesterday’s episodes. “Danger!” they shouted. “Danger!” We made jokes that my time was up. This hill was going to be payback for my insensitive laughter. I was ready to face my doom. I gingerly took a step and prepared for the universe to do the rest.
And that’s when FrogBoy’s legs flew out from under him, he landed smack on his ass and slid down the rest of the hill with a shocked look on his face.
ThePeach: YES!!!!! YES!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Oh my god. Three people in two days? I have never EVER been happier. I’m giggling like a tool as I write this. This will bring me joys for months to come.
Until the day god decides he’s had enough and I slip, spill coffee on myself, accidentally drop my laptop in the canal, and break an arm.
This will all be less funny then.