Saturday, January 31, 2009

ThePeach is punished; stubborn



A german word meaning happiness in the misfortune of others.

So, there is a term for my role in life. I am schadenfreude. I feel like I finally have the answers, although I knew this was my destiny well before the name was brought to my attention by a classmate. I mean, look at my blog mandate:

Why is my life so oddly hilarious? That’s like asking why gin is so delicious. Life is a mystery, friends. I see it like this: I could go home and cry about how the one-armed hobo chased me down the street in his wheelchair, or I could swallow that gin and write about my experiences so that I may bring joy to others. If I don’t bring you joy, then fuck off. Heart, ThePeach.

My misfortune brings you happiness.

My Friday will really uplift you, in that case.

On Thursday night, after a long week of no sleep and much coffee, I noticed that I had no internet. I restarted my computer. I unplugged and replugged my modem. I reset my modem. I repeated these three tasks in varying order over a three to four hour span, with no result. I did a little voodoo dance for good measure. Still nothing. I restarted my computer one more time, prayed to Allah, sprinkled a circle of salt around my laptop, and finally gave up and went to bed. I hoped the problem would fix itself overnight.

I woke up at 6:30, tripped over the cat, made coffee, burnt some toast to perfection, and turned on my laptop so that I could stream CBC news while I ate.

No internet connection.


I got out the trusty Rogers troubleshooting guide and methodically followed all of the steps. When those failed, I restarted my computer. I unplugged and replugged my modem. I reset my modem. I was exhausted. I called Rogers at 7am.

Rogers: Thank you for choosing Rogers. How may we help you?
ThePeach: I…I…internets…help…?
Rogers:…Let me put you through to tech support.
ThePeach: help…internets…*chews on toast*
TechSupport: Hello, Peach. What seems to be the problem?
ThePeach: I can’t…I can’t…*sniffle*…I NEED THE INTERNET!!
TechSupport: Ok, let’s see here what the problem is and…oh. Oh. Ya, I’m going to have to put you through to our security section.
ThePeach: What?
Security: Hello, Peach. What seems to be the problem?
Security: Ok…oh. Well, it seems that we had to disconnect your connection due to security reasons.
ThePeach: WHAT? WHY??!
Security: You have a number of viruses on your computer that have worked their way into the network, and we cannot turn your connection back on until you remove those viruses.
ThePeach: How is this…how did this happen?
Security: This kind of virus is from downloading sites. Do you download any tv shows or movies off the internet? Have you had issues with viruses from these actions in the past?
Security: …when you remove the viruses, we will reconnect you.

So, once again, downloading my favourite lesbian tv drama has given my computer AIDS. Except this time instead of my laptop exploding, I have had my internet cut off by the big men at Rogers. I’m being grounded for following the lives of fictional, well-dressed, interesting women who just happen to eat taco.

The only thing I can conclude is that Rogers is a bunch of homophobes.

I didn’t have time to find and fix my laptop’s AIDS before class, so I did it when I got home at 5:30. I called Rogers to tell them I had solved the problem.

Rogers: Thank you for choosing Rogers. How may we help you?
ThePeach: My computer doesn’t have AIDS anymore. Reconnect my internet.
Rogers:…I’m going to put you through to technical support.
ThePeach: I’m going to save us all some time here. Put me right on through to security.
Security: Hello Peach. How may we help you?
ThePeach: Hello, yes. I spoke to one of your employees this morning, and he informed me that my internet has been disconnect due to viruses. I fixed them. Kindly reconnect my internet.
Security: Ok…let’s just check here…ok. We can reconnect you.
ThePeach: Get at ‘er.
Security: But first, I need you to repeat this verbal contract.
Security: I, ThePeach, agree to be more careful with my downloading activities.
ThePeach:…I, ThePeach, agree to be more careful with my downloading activities.
Security: Should this happen again now that I have been warned, Rogers reserves the right to disconnect the connection for as long as they see fit.
ThePeach: Excuse me?
Security: Ma’am, you need to repeat after me or we will not be reconnecting your internet today.
ThePeach: Oh my god.

Well, I did what I had to do in order to get my precious interwebs up and running. It’s like I’m twelve again and my mom is threatening to take away my tv priveleges for watching transexuals make out on the Jerry Springer Show.

Apparently you can still be grounded at age 26.

After that fiasco, I met up with my classmates downtown. We did shots. I drank red bull. We did more shots. We danced like whores/tools. We went to get poutine at 3am. 30 minutes later I realized that I didn’t have my credit card. I connected the dots and realized that I left it at the bar, and that I also forgot to pay my massive tab.

I had to sprint back to the bar at 3:30am, pound on the door until someone let me in, explain my situation to the disheveled man with the mop, pay, and then sprint back to the diner for my fries, gravy and cheese curds.

Then I came home and threw up a few times, and then I took a gravol and passed out.

I woke up this morning and immediately downloaded another episode of The L Word.

I have a sickness.


1 comment:

thepilot said...

Dude, you seriously need a Mac or something that doesn't get viruses.