Monday, February 23, 2009

I'll be your seven day fool

Ok, ya. Haven’t done a proper update in a while. I just had reading week off and sat around on my ass for seven days, but now that I’m back in class, slept five hours last night, and have three essays to write, I decided this would be the best time to write an update.

So now I give you: The Shit I Did in the Past Week or So

1. I was a good reporter

The day before reading week was our last radio newscast. I went to a city council environment meeting that was supposed to make some announcement about lead in the drinking water. It seemed important, so I put on pants for once in my life. Actually peeled off the lulus, which might be growing organically into my ass skin, and put on pants with a zipper. It was restrictive and awful.

Also, I wore high heels. What the fuck. Let’s get crazy for city council.

The meeting started at 6:30pm and ended at 10. I was suicidal by 6:45. At 10 I was delirious. I stumbled out of the meeting hall like I had just been emancipated from a concentration camp. Happy, yet too weak to do anything but crawl, grasp my ribs, and moan.

I looked at my notebook. Three pages of carefully documented notes, then the handwriting got a little sloppy, then a series of cartoons, and then a page of city-council environment/drinking water inspired haikus. Want to read some?

Tonight, out of spite
I’m going to dump detergent
Into the river.

Three and a half hours
To find out our water’s fine
I will cut this bitch.


Thank god one of my classmates was there with me. We knew about 5 minutes into the meeting that it had no news value, so she recorded the sound of me opening a granola bar wrapper and then eating it. The bar, not the wrapper. It didn’t make the newscast.

2. I found my new favourite

After the news cast my classmates and I got silly drunk, as per our Friday ritual. It started with thai food and a bottle of wine, and then dessert and 3 or 4 or 5 martinis (martinis: making amnesia cool again), and then redbull vodkas and dancing, and then gin and karaoke. I broke out the George Michael. I probably should have been a singer instead of a journalist.

After the bar, my ruined liver sent signals to my uterus, which sent signals to my stomach, which sent signals to my brain that I should eat some poutine. So GinBucket took me to some dive on a side-street behind the bar. They served poutine in tin pie plates, and 5 dollars gets you an entire pie plate to yourself. Heaven.

But I discovered something special for next time.

Gravy pizza.

This dive serves gravy pizza. Pizza with gravy on top. People line up out the door to get it.

I will be one of them.

3. I went to UniversityTown

I went to UT to visit FauxHawk for reading week. Within 24 hours of being there I had:
- been given 6 free shots from my friend the bartender
- watched TheCrazy put her leg behind her head. She was wearing a skirt.
- kissed TheCrazy
- saw all three of my favourite UT hobos ambling down the main street

Then I took it easy for a few days. Then I did this:

I find it's best, when dancing on a bar, to take your shoes off. Ah, UniversityTown.

4. I was a responsible pet owner

Milo needed a checkup. He also needed more medicine and prescription cat food. Nothing makes me feel more like a goddamn crazy cat lady then when I have to call the vet, usually from a public place, and say the following:

ThePeach: Hi, this is ThePeach. I’m calling about my cat Milo.

ThePeach: Milo Peach, yes.

ThePeach: Yes, he still vomits every day.

ThePeach: Ok, let’s order more prednisone.

ThePeach: I think he’s sick of salmon flavour.

ThePeach: Yes, he does like chicken.

ThePeach: Ok, chicken flavour. He’s also out of food.

ThePeach: Yes, another ten pound bag of prescription cat food.

ThePeach: The hypoallergenic one. With extra fibre.

ThePeach: No, his urine output is fine.

ThePeach: Dandruff? Ya, he’s still flakey.

ThePeach: Ok, I’ll pick up some omega supplements for him.

ThePeach: And poke a hole in the pill and squirt the fish oil into his mouth? Ok.

ThePeach: See you in a week.

ThePeach: *hangs up phone*
Strangers: *stare at me*
ThePeach: MY CAT HAS AIDS! FUCK YOU!
Strangers: *continue to stare*

So anyway, I took Milo to the vet. They had to take a blood sample. They do this by stabbing a needle into my kitten’s neck. I watched once, and then on the way home I almost hurled all over the Hawkmobile, so now the vet takes Milo into the back room to stab him with pointy things and I sit in the waiting room and think happy thoughts. Gravy Pizza. Gravy Pizza. Gravy Pizza.

Then I had to pay the bill.

$283

GRAVY PIZZA. GRAVY PIZZA. GRAVY *SCREAM!!!!*

5. I Watched TV
I don’t have cable in CapitalCity. Too po’. So when I got to FauxHawk’s I turned the tv to The Learning Channel and pretty much let it play for seven days straight. I learned a lot. Like how to manage a polygamous marriage (separate sex nights, the bible, and wispy bangs), and how to feed my family if I have 17 kids (tater tot casserole, the bible, and wispy bangs), and what to do if I ever have a tumor that takes over my entire face (live like a hermit, fundraise to see a French specialist, go to France on a train, remember that I am a Jehovah’s Witness and can’t have surgery, come back home to Portugal, live like a hermit, be in a documentary).

I also talked to TheNurse a lot, since she was home all day watching TLC at the same time. Our favourite was to watch What Not to Wear together and make fun of the fuggos. Like these crazy asian twins who talked like they were nine years old (“I like this dress! I can wear it to the picnic!”), and somehow had slight Mexican accents (I like dees dress! I cahn wear-a eet to thah peecneec!”).

Reading week = scholastic pursuits.

6. I have a new friend

Not really. But I do have a new follower on my blog. Her name is Dawg. She writes a blog called Dyked Out. It’s about being, well, a dyke (am I allowed to use that term? Is it offensive? I’m not sure of these things. Someone politically correct help me: GinBucket?) I wonder what led her to my blog? What could possibly draw her here? What, I ask you? What?
And now to nap.

ThePeach

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