Monday, March 30, 2009

Karma FAIL; Horoscope Irony

Disclaimer: I really hope that no disabled women were injured in the making of this blog.

I never check my horoscope. Overall I think astrology is a heap of poop. I mean, I’m a libra…what exactly about me screams “balance?” Unless my redbull highs balance out with my caffeine-withdrawal lows. But I think we refer to that more commonly as a substance abuse problem, and not a balanced lifestyle.

Plus my horoscopes are always crap, and they’re self-fulfilling prophesies regardless. Like if my horoscope said “you will find happiness in cheetohs today” then I’m probably gonna go eat some motherfucking cheetohs and find my happiness. Not because the stars destined cheetohs into my life.

Anyway, today TheQuack sent me my horoscope before I could stop her.

Libra: You can never go wrong with kindness.

Or can’t I?

Yesterday I went to the gym. My busted-ass knee has finally healed just enough so that I can sweat out some of the gravy, gin, and chemical cheese that constitute my diet. I still can’t run, but I can elliptical like a motherfucker.

It was getting late. The gym closes at 7pm and at 6:25 I was just getting into the change room. That doesn’t leave much time for chemical cheese purification so I was feeling rushed. I hung up my coat, locked my locker, and grabbed my iPod. I will not exercise without my George Michael mix. By the way, I’m still not gay.

As I was rushing toward the cardio room I almost tripped over a kind disabled woman and her walker. She was very slowly walking toward the door. She could barely move…I’m not even sure how she got into the change room in the first place, but it must have taken a very, very long time. I saw that she was struggling to get her walker over a bump in the ground so I asked if she needed help.

I know, it’s so unlike me. But the thing is, I’ve been having really bad karma lately. And I think it all started last week when I didn’t give a homeless woman change for the bus. Not only did I not give her change (I needed it for laundry! I finally had the perfect combination of loonies and quarters to wash my pants, goddammit! No homeless woman was going to take that from me!), but when she asked again I put my iPod ear-buds in and walked away, throwing a “sorry” over my shoulder and letting George Michael’s “Faith” take me to a happier place.

And then I got rejected from three internships, lost my Mastercard, and my cat threw up in my clean laundry.

If I ignored the kindly disabled woman the universe would probably take away my right leg in some kind of horrible bus accident. So I offered my assistance. Plus she really looked like she needed my help, whereas the homeless woman could easily give a hand job to a meth-addict for that bus fare if she got desperate.

I helped the woman get her walker over the bump. She continued to slowly and painfully walk toward the door. I looked at my watch: 6:28.

ThePeach: Do you want me to get the door for you? You know…when you get there?
Kindly Woman: Oh, that would be wonderful.

At approximately 6:32 we reached the change room door. I opened it and let her walk through. I watched her shuffle down the hallway. It made my heart hurt.

ThePeach: Do you need help with the elevator?
Kindly Woman: Actually, yes. If you don’t mind…
ThePeach: I don’t mind at all.

At approximately 6:35 she had made it to the elevator. I pressed the button, held the door while she got inside, pressed the button for her floor, said goodbye, and got out while she traveled down to the first floor. I went to the cardio room and got on the elliptical machine. I ellipticalled like a motherfucker for about 10 minutes before it hit me.

ThePeach’s iPod: You gotta have faith! Faith! Faith! You gotta have FA-AITH!


Does it get any worse than that?

This is what happens when I try to help people. She’s probably still in there today. I was too afraid to check.

Be kind, Universe. My intentions were good.

Please don’t take my leg.



the other gay said...

See. This is why you shouldn't help anyone. If you hadn't helped her some other person who didn't need those extra calorie burning minutes on the elliptical could have helped her on and off the elevator. It did amuse me to think that she'd still be in the elevator though.
Could you be a dear and hold the d...oh, down I go again.

Amy said...

Libra horoscope for March 31, 2009:

A strong stride established today will take you all the way to the finish line. Positive elements today are the little things in life, so invest in the small for the long haul and you’ll be sure of a return. Look to get dividends, not a big turnover, and you’ll be right in the flow as they grow.