Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Life FAIL

I don’t do anything half-assed. If I’m going out for one drink I don’t come home until I’ve sucked on a homeless person’s beard and thrown up in a 24-hour poutine diner. If I’m going for a quick run I limp along for 8km on what turns out to be a pulled ligament in my knee and then come home and lie in a pool of my own sweat while I ice my leg with a bag of frozen peas. Last week my sister told me I should watch the first episode of “Big Love” and I’m already halfway through season 2 and have done some rather extensive research on polygamy and Mormonism.

Polygamy is the new lesbianism.

What I’m getting at is that I don’t have the kind of bad day most normal people experience.

I have the kind of bad day that only ThePeach can experience.

9am:
It started with the sound of my cat puking. This is a pretty normal occurrence. Milo pukes almost every day. My little bulimia kitty.

But I got up to investigate, armed with a roll of paper towels. Milo prefers to puke onto soft, carpeted areas of my apartment and it’s necessary to clean them right away.

Today he found a new soft spot. My clean laundry.

Specifically, the clean sweaters I had lay flat to dry on my kitchen table. He managed to hit three of them with one stream of the regurgitated cat food, black hair, and bits of elastic bands that comprise his vomit.

Bad kitten.

11am:
Breakfast eaten, showered, dressed, and ready to face my day. By the way, breakfast consisted of toast with peanut butter, but I had to scrape the peanut butter remnants out of the jar using a spatula.

Added “buy more peanut butter” to my life list.

I checked my email. Another rejection letter from yet another internship I had applied for. Keep in mind that these are unpaid internships. I can’t even convince anyone to let me work for free.

Feel down, but focus on the positive: I still have that 2-week CBC internship.

Check news online. Headline: “CBC Announces 800 Layoffs”

This can’t bode well.

Immediately crawl onto the couch and watch 2 more episodes of Big Love. Can’t face monogamous world yet.

2pm:
Moping is boring. Decide to face life.

In other words, I crave peanut butter.

I limp to the store on my fucked-up knee. While I’m out I decide to also pick up the ingredients to make my awesome tofu stirfry. I already have the tofu, so I get some spinach and other assorted super-veggies. Iron helps us play.

I get home and start making the stirfry, and then pull out the tofu. It is covered in a layer of slime and smells like a corpse.

So, tofu can expire. Who knew? I always thought it was indestructible, like twinkies.

Stirfry FAIL.

5pm:
I can’t find my MasterCard.

6pm:
Cancel my MasterCard over the phone. Kind Sir on the other end informs me that he’ll move my current balance onto my new account.

Then, before I can beg him not to, he tells me my current balance.

Oh. I see.

*SCREAM*

*HYSTERIA*

*HYPERVENTILATION*

Doesn’t he know any better than to just…just…tell someone their MasterCard balance??!! If I had known this would be happening I would have swallowed half a bottle of gin and taken a few valium first! MOTHERFUCK!

6:05pm
I’ve literally just hung up the phone when it rings again. I’m still hysterical but I answer it just in case it’s the magic job fairy, or the lottery, or in case roll up the rim makes house calls now.

It’s my Dad. He sounds concerned.

Dad: Are you ok?
ThePeach: Um sure, ya. Why?
Dad: Because I just had lunch with my sister and she’s worried about you.
ThePeach: The sister I randomly ran into on the street yesterday?
Dad: Ya. She said you look terrible. Like exhausted, and dying. Terrible. She was worried. Now I’m worried.
ThePeach: I look…terrible?
Dad: That’s what she said.
ThePeach:…
Dad: Do you need a vacation? Maybe you should just splurge and put one on your MasterCard. You deserve a break.
ThePeach: *weeps*

I don’t…there aren’t…words…for days like this. To sum up: I can’t get an unpaid job, I’m going to go to debtors jail, I look like I just crawled my way out of a fresh grave, my life is covered in regurgitated cat food and black hair, and I probably have cancer of the knee.

I messaged TheHippie to cry over msn:

TheHippie: Oh my god. Go to bed immediately and forget today ever happened.
ThePeach: I can’t. That’s what I did yesterday to forget yesterday ever happened. I think all that’s left for me now is suicide.
TheHippie: Or you could sell your virginity online. It’s the newest thing, apparently.
ThePeach: You’re about 9 years too late for that one.


I don’t know whether to binge drink myself into a coma, sell my hair (I already look like death…why not go for broke?), or crawl into bed with my laptop and my new tub of peanut butter and stay there until I’ve watched every tv show ever created and posted on the interwebs.

In reality I’ll probably do all three.

ThePeach

1 comment:

MC said...

Pretty sure your aunt is over-compensating.

You look great.

And hey, is that tofu ever making your hair shine.

:-)