Saturday, April 25, 2009

A Perfect Universitytown Weekend

Dear sexy bitches,

Sorry for the delay. The past few weeks have been a little busy, what with school ending for the year and trying to figure out my summer plans (a.k.a. operation: “don’t become homeless – you wouldn’t survive a knife fight and you know it”). In a strange twist of irony, I managed to go from zero internships to four internships in just a few weeks. I believe I owe my thanks to HotMess for making me take yoga with her every day since the semester ended. All of that karmic bullshit and positive whatnot has really paid off. And who knows when I'll get to utilize my improved downward dog skills. Probably tonight.

Anyway, this summer I will be working. A lot. Mainly unpaid, but I enjoy a good life challenge like trying to pay rent with a maxed out credit card or stealing canned soup from the food bank.

My internships are the following:

1. Copy Editor for CapitalCity Life Magazine (summer-long)
- edit articles written mostly by retards. Salary = $150/month. Not joking. Ah, journalism.

2. Internship at CBC Radio 1
- I’m working for a political show. Who is Michael Ignatieff? What is a house of commons? What is a lady gaga? God help me. Unpaid.

3. Internship at CanWest
- I’m on the breaking news desk. If someone gets shot, I’m your bitch. Unpaid.

4. Research Assistant for two journalism professors
- I’m helping them publish the new edition of “The Canadian Reporter,” a textbook we all know and love. PAID. Praise Allah.

So ya. Busy summer ahead. It all starts next week, and I decided I need a little escape before the madness begins. Somewhere where I could drink with wild abandon. Somewhere where I could wear sweatpants to the bar and still be better dressed than most patrons. Somewhere where I could have jungle sex.

Where else? Universitytown. Precious, precious Universitytown.

I got here yesterday. So far, it’s been a perfect Universitytown weekend. Some highlights:

1. I went for a jog through the student neighbourhood. In a matter of two blocks I saw:
- A group of barefoot students sitting on their balcony and singing.
- A squirrel run out of a house.
- A guy sitting on his lawn smoking a hookah.

2. Yesterday TigerCat and I ordered pizza. Our delivery-woman had no teeth. Literally zero. Not even a single tooth to help her chew.

3. Today FauxHawk and I went for a walk. I passed a man with no legs. Literally zero. Not even a single leg to help him walk.

4. Yesterday TOP humped me. Or maybe I humped her. I don’t know…it was a really confusing time.

5. I went shopping at the discount department store today. I went on a real spree. For $120 I purchased the following:
- three shirts
- one pair of converse low-tops
- two pairs of flip flops
- two bras
- one pair of underwear
- two boxes of oil of olay mini-facials
It was a shopping miracle! It helped that the store was closing because of the recession and everything was 20% off. Recession: you’re all right.

6. Tonight TheCrazy will be joining us in our binge drinking and my life will be complete. I’ll try not to make out with her this time. I’m making tofu for dinner so maybe I’ll hit my lesbian quota early.

7. Heterosexual sex count thus far: one, but the weekend is young.

Yours in joy,


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