Tuesday, April 07, 2009

We didn’t start the fire; It was always burning since the world’s been turning

Yesterday was an unusual day, even by Peach standards.

A Miracle
It started with a miracle. No, wait…it started with a blizzard in April, which was more of an apocalyptic mind-fuck than anything. But – after I had trudged through said blizzard with Spaz and MC to get to a morning meeting – then a miracle was bequested upon me.

I WON A FREE COFFEE IN ROLL UP THE RIM.

YA MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

We went to Tim Hortons before the meeting. I ordered an x-large, since it was the only size left that still had rrroll cups. I bitched to MC and Spaz about how I hadn’t won all season or, you know, in the past three years. I chugged the precious liquid in my meeting and shivered with energy and pre-rrroll excitement. I tried to discreetly rrroll my rrrim while our professor was speaking.

Win: Coffee

ThePeach: OH MY FUCKING GOD.
Professor: …excuse me?

YA MOTHERFUCKER!!!

A Reunion
Later in the day I checked my facebook, as I usually do 40-50 times/day. Oh, a message from my ex-step-Aunt.

You heard me.

You may recall that I am the damaged child of two divorces. I had a step family from age four to 17. Then my step-father started sleeping with his dental hygienist, a surly woman with no uterus. So then we moved away and my step-family slowly forgot about us.

Ten years later my ex-step-aunt gets facebook, finds me, and my life gets even more complicated. Yesterday she emailed me to say she wanted to meet for lunch.

Oh, perfect. I do love uncomfortable blasts from the past. What shall we talk about? That time your brother changed the locks on the door when we tried to move out of the house and then I had to break in through a window and the police were called? Or how about we reminisce about the wedding?

I haven’t seen this woman in ten years. So, lunch should be fun.

Danger
I had 2 more meetings yesterday, so by 4pm I was tuckered out. I lay down for a quick nap. The cat grunted and dug around in the blankets with me for most of it, but eventually he passed out across my face and we slept like dead people.

I was pretty groggy when I woke up an hour later. I limped to my computer and messaged Spaz.

“Yo. I just woke up. What day is it?”

And that’s when my fire alarm went off.

My entire apartment shook with the noise. Milo freaked right the fuck out and started galloping around my apartment like a horse of the apocalypse. I waited for my landlord to speak on the intercom to tell us this was just a test, but her trashy, whiney voice did not appear.

Oh. Real fire, then.

Time to wrangle Milo.

Yes, my first reaction in a fire is to rescue my AIDS-cat. I’m aware how pathetic this appears.

So, Milo was still sprinting around my apartment with fear in his eyes and speed in his legs. I got his carrying case out of the closet. As soon as Milo spotted it, he went bat-shit. I was starting to panic at this point, and I was still completely groggy from my coma, so I started running after the bastard cat – carrying case tucked under my arm – and I smacked right into the corner of my bedroom door. With my face.

Ok. So now I’m also bleeding from the skull.

Eventually I captured Milo. He squirmed and clawed at me. I could feel his little heart fluttering. Little guy. So scared.

So scared that he fought me like a guerilla warrior and I probably broke one or all of his legs shoving him into his cage. By the time it had probably taken me ten minutes to exit my apartment. Fucking cat is going to make me burn to death.

When I got outside I joined MC and Spaz in the blizzard. They took one look at me, with my bleeding face and my angry warrior-cat locked into his feminine purple carrying case– and started screaming with laughter. Spaz took approx. five to seven pictures.

Thirty minutes later the firemen told us we could go back inside. Fire time is over.

The cat hid under my bed for the rest of the night. I ate a jar of peanut butter on my couch and watched episodes of “Secret Diaries of a Call Girl.”

I have a giant scrape across my forehead today. How perfect for my reunion with my ex-step-aunt.

At least we’ll have something to talk about now.

ThePeach

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