Monday, June 08, 2009

A note on exes.

Ah, exes. Nothing makes me want to cut myself like rehashing the relationships of yesteryear. And who doesn’t love getting drunk with your friends and stalking an ex on facebook/accidentally remembering that you have their email password/analyzing their wedding registry? Um…not me. This is a general example. Swearsies.

I’m a grizzled old whore, so I have a long list of ex-boyfriends in my repertoire. I like to pretend that most of them are dead or were a figment of my imagination or maybe some kind of drunk hallucination, like that time I drank seven Smirnoff Ice coolers in under an hour (I was 20, ok?) and could have sworn I took home Prince William. I’m not gonna judge what the royal sir was doing in Universitytown, and why he went home with a mere peasant like myself. The next morning I found out that I had actually gone home with my good friend Frances, the same girl who went to the bar with me that night to troll for men. She looks nothing like Prince William. I’m still confused to this day.

So, where was I?

Right. Exes suck. I’m not friends with many of my exes, something you may not find shocking from a bat-shit crazy drunkard with jealous rage issues. That said, I am still close with TheTool – who slept with a waitress in a bathroom stall in a restaurant while we were dating, but hey life gets crazy – and I’m still cordial and keep somewhat in touch with THEex, my first love who broke my little 17-year-old heart when he left me because, amongst other reasons, the drama of my crazy-ass family drove him into safer waters. I don’t blame him for this. My step-father had just cheated on my mom with a dental hygienist, the cops were called when I had to break into my own house to help my mom move out while he was at work, and my 13-year-old sister was banished to New Jersey to live with my aunt until she stopped being a thug. Have I ever told you the story of how TigerCat once somehow started a suburban teenage gang war? We moved not long after that. I dealt with my anger in healthier ways, like neurotic perfectionism and self-starvation. So, ya, I would have broken up with me too. I consider myself lucky that he didn’t mercy kill me.

Ok, what was my point?

Exes, man. So, my first real one was THEex. Then there was the rebound from THEex, who I dated for 9 months because I was smarter than him, his dad owned a steak house, and he taught me how to smoke pot and fuck. We are not friends, because I left him for a friend of his who was a beautiful man-specimen, worked at Swiss Chalet and always brought me free chicken, and liked to shower with me. God, I miss being 19. I’m not friends with the chicken guy, because he dumped me in a parking lot over reading week. Turns out he was showering with another girl from Swiss Chalet. It’s funny, but this breakup was probably the hardest one I’ve dealt with. And we only dated for 3 months, and I was 19, and part of the reason I liked him was that he brought me chicken. He kind of fell off the face of the earth after I assaulted him via the phone approx 4 days after we broke up (WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE??? *hysterical sobbing*). I’ve always wondered what happened to him, and then last month I found out that he is a medic in the military, currently serving in Afghanistan. My beautiful chicken boy in a military uniform? Cruel, cruel world.

Fucking exes.

It took me a while to get over chicken boy, during which time I trampaged with a few of my neighbours and this dude with a lazy eye but a sweet car.

Then there was the stalker. We dated for maybe 3 months but he stalked me for a good year afterwards. He was 6’7 and so skinny that he was concave. He also had an identical twin brother, which freaked me right the fuck out. He once “surprised” me by flying from his home in Edmonton to my family’s home in CapitalCity over Thanksgiving. 6 months after we had broken up. Awesome. He also threatened to kill himself when I stopped answering his emails. That was a few years ago. I wonder how he’s doing?

After that I dated the conservative mind-fuck, who judged me for having several past sexual partners but did it with me all over his apartment, my apartment, and a few public bathroom stalls. Have you ever heard a really conservative, family-values, god-fearing man talk dirty while you do it in a kilt? It’s funny. Then he dumped me because he thought I was a bad seed. That sucked, too. We don’t keep in touch.

So then came TheTool. And then after that crashed and burned, I moved onto FauxHawk, my sexy doctor man who thinks I'm a funny person with a quirky family. Keeper?

Five years later, we’re still good. But sometimes little reminders of my exes come along and bitch slap me in the mouth.

Like when I saw on facebook that THEex asked his girlfriend to marry him. During their year-long trip around the world. With what looks a lot like a Tiffany princess cut engagement ring. Coolio. In all seriousness, it’s been almost 10 years since we broke up and they both look very happy. And she looks like a good fit for him. I bet she never almost got arrested breaking into her own house. I raise my gin to you, THEex. Happy marriage?

It might have been 6 or 7 gins.

Finding out chicken boy was a medic in Afghanistan (*swoon*) was another little slap. God I bet he looks good over there. Do they have showers in Afghanistan?

The guy with the lazy eye and the sweet car died in a car accident last November. That was kind of awful.

Another trampage victim is now married with a 3-year-old daughter. Howdy.

TheTool is a lawyer.

Exes, man. As much as you move on and do your thing, they’re always a part of your past. Which is why I totally felt for TigerCat this morning when she emailed me to tell me her high school sweetheart is engaged. They dated for 4 years and broke up like…5 year ago? I don’t even know. She’s been with CockDoc for 3 years or something and they live together and are very happy. But still, there’s just something about signing into facebook and *BITCH-SLAP!* the man you used to love is engaged. Probably to a whore, but still. I should also mention that TigerCat is currently visiting CockDoc’s family in Victoria. She’s trapped in their house with this news.

I plan to visit Universitytown this weekend to gin the ouch out of her.

I’m not sure if this post had a point. I hope the take-home message isn’t that I’m a huge tramp. I don’t think that’s why I wrote this.

Exes. They suck.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Exes do suck. I was with that guy for over 5 years actually and he dumped me for a girl he was working with at East Side Mario's - I see a pattern here Peach! She was also a chearleader with the now cancelled Capital City football team. Bitch, haha. I am in a great relationship now but I still like to pretend my exes no longer exist. Stupid Facebook ruining it all!