Thursday, July 16, 2009

The best vacation in all the land.

Let me preface this blog by saying how awesome my sister is for baby sitting me for the past three days. Sorry I showed my appreciation for your hospitality by leaving waffle batter all over your kitchen and keeping you awake until 4am on a week night.

I’m damaged. It gives me certain allowances.

On Tuesday TigerCat convinced me to come to UniversityTown to stay with her for a while. I was hesitant to return – again – to the land of FauxHawk, but TigerCat lured me with food. Like an animal.

She picked me up at the train station and took me to her house, where she had curry waiting for me on the stove. Tashty. Then the wine came out, and TheCrazy migrated over, and we all got drunk and watched yet more Vampire porn. It was much better than the night I had planned for myself in CapitalCity, namely crying alone on my couch, drinking a mickey of vodka, and singing show tunes to the cat.

I fell asleep in TigerCat’s guest room to the sounds of the lake lapping on the shores below my window.

I woke up, hungover, and wrote half of my freelance article. Then I met TigerCat and CockDoc for fancy lunch at the posh hotel where TigerCat works. I ate mass quantities of cheese and talked loudly about amputee porn, something I had discovered on YouPorn and was quite thrilled about.

Then I went for a walk downtown, reclaiming the city I lived in for eight years, three of which were before I ever knew FauxHawk existed. I saw two of my favourite Universitytown hobos and, to my delight, an amputee wearing short-shorts. She should consider porn.

I then had the most indulgent afternoon of my life. I had gotten paid for my last round of articles earlier in the week, so I finally had my breakup allowance. First I bought a lulu sweater and a pair of mesh lulu thong underwear, in the vain hopes that someday, somewhere, someone might see my lady parts again.

Then I bought tickets for the Harry Potter movie, which came out that night. I squealed with nerd glee as I put the tickets for me and TigerCat in my purse for later. I also salivated at the thought of all the chemical butter I would consume in a few short hours.

Then I got myself a Starbucks and read for an hour in the sun. Then I got a pedicure in the vain hopes that someday, somewhere, someone might want to lick my feet and slap me around a little. Maybe?

Then I met TigerCat for Harry Potter, which was so good that it made me have a nerdgasm. Then we went home and TheCrazy came over again. TigerCat had to go to bed, but TheCrazy and I got sloppy drunk and were soon joined by CockDoc, who brought out the pot and suggested that we make some waffles. The kitchen is now covered in batter and little bits of fried dough. We smoked, ate, and drank until 4am. We discovered a new game, which I will call “spelling body functions.”

For instance, if you had to spell the sound that a fart makes? Phhhhrrrrt? We also spelled the sound of poo, queefs, and the sound when you pull out after sex. Shlllrrr?

God. Pot.

At 9am I woke up, still half baked, and remembered that my article was due before noon. I carefully wrote the rest, sent it in, found out from CockDoc that we had kept TigerCat awake until 4am and she was not impressed with the state of her waffle iron, and went back to bed for an hour. When I woke up I had an email from my editor to tell me how much he loved my article and to give me a new assignment. A series on Canadian cheese. My job…I can’t even…I love…life. It’s the series I was born to write, baby! Also, he paid me $475 for the article I just sent in. I’m going to freelance until I’m too old to use my arms to type, and even then I’ll maybe get one of those setups where you can blow into a straw to spell words. I. Love. My. Job.

Then I emailed TigerCat to apologize for keeping her up, and asked her to please make me some Tuna Noodle Casserole for dinner as soon as she gets home. The perks of getting dumped are endless. I have the best sister in the world, maybe even across time.

Then I went outside and lay by the pool for 2 hours, crisping to a shade best described as “a fair negro.” I also swam laps for about 20 minutes, which constitutes my first official exercise since the heart break.

Honestly, has anyone ever had a better three days? I challenge you. I feel like I finally shook off the undead. It’s going to suck to go back to CapitalCity alone, but I do have my cheese series to look forward to.

Maybe I’ve turned a corner. Next up: whoring?

Foot licking optional.



quackattack said...

Hmm ... can you send cheese through the mail? There's some tasty shit out here we didn't even have a chance to try together.

Oh, OH!!! Perfect excuse to go to the St. Albert Cheese Factory!!! My dad used to take me there for summer holiday visits ... true story. Is this perhaps why I am such a fan of the stuff?

Sonya said...



Save some wonderful life for me.

Anonymous said...

Ahh, I am glad you had a good time! Come back in 11 days to pack for our camping trip and lets make a camping menu. Yay to being indulgent and carefree :)