Thursday, July 30, 2009

The Fattening

My sister has just one goal this summer: to fatten me. It is her only wish. And she’s putting up a solid fight, despite my best efforts to remain a breakup waif. She taunts me with my favourite foods and jokes that she’s adding lard to my coffee, but she might actually be doing it. She’s a tricksy bitch, that one.

And she has many weapons.

I arrived in Universitytown yesterday afternoon to get ready for our weekend camping trip. I wanted to go for a nice, long run when I got here, but instead I met my sister for lunch at her hotel restaurant and allowed her to convince me that fries, artisan grilled cheese and ham, and chocolate bread pudding drizzled with fresh cream is an acceptable lunch. All I was able to do after consuming this meal was stumble like a drunk to her house and pass out for 3 hours, sweating cheese the entire time. When I woke up she was standing eagerly at the foot of my bed, asking me what I wanted to do for dinner.

She’s like a chipper caloric demon.

I told her I couldn’t even think about food, so we drove to dollarama to purchase more crap for our camping trip. On the way back we drove past an all-you-can eat- sushi restaurant.

Guess what happened.

I woke up this morning and tried to find the multigrain bread my sister swore she had left out for me, but it was nowhere to be found. The fridge was stocked, however, with muffins. Eff. After this I decided I really should finally go for that run. Maybe I’d run 12km. That would show her!

I opened the curtains and saw that the sun was glistening like crystals off the water in the pool in her courtyard. Eff. So I lay in the sun and tanned until I looked like a migrant worker. BUT then I swam laps for 20 minutes. SUCKA! I could have gone much longer, but an old man had pulled a chair up right beside me and was just kind of…watching…the entire time. Just the two of us in the pool. Me in my white string bikini, and him in his gold chains and oil-soaked paunch.

I came upstairs and showered, pleased with my 20 minutes of fitness. As I washed the memory of the greasy old man off of me, I contemplated what to do with my afternoon. Perhaps I’d go to Starbucks and get a grande and do some work. Skip lunch entirely, since I damn well knew that ho sister of mine would stuff me full of carbs and lard when she got home.

I stepped out of the shower and scurried to my bedroom to throw on my lulus. Suddenly there was a brisk knock at my door. I screamed. TigerCat walked in with wide eyes and a large smile. She was holding a brownie the size of my head.

“I just went to the market on my lunch break. I thought you’d like this brownie. Here, I’ll just leave it on this plate in your room. I have to go back to work now.”

Match point.


ps - spanx, seester.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Spanx ... appropriate ... you're gonna need 'em! ;)