Monday, July 06, 2009

I'm not drunk. I'm sedated for my pain.

I’m on the train. Apparently I spend a lot of time in transit. There’s a life-meaning metaphor in there somewhere, but I’m not quite at the hippy self-analysis phase yet, so I’ll let it lie.

Let’s just leave it at I’m on the train.

I’ve pretty much been baseline drunk for the past four days, so I’m a little confused about what’s going on or, really, why I’m on a train right now. Also, I discovered a really fantastic weight-loss method. I exist solely on a diet of coffee, wine and gin. Occasionally TigerCat forces me to eat, or I suppose I’d be dead right now. I’ve already lost five pounds. It’s not like I don’t want to eat…I’d just rather drink.

The awesome thing about breakups is that people don’t judge your alcoholism. No longer deemed a sickness but a coping mechanism, friends and even family are more than happy to pour you another and drape a blanket over you when you pass out on their couch.

I plan to milk this for as long as possible. My relationship with FauxHawk was five years long…I figure I can acceptably be a drunk until at least Christmas.

Baby needs her medicine.

While we’re on the subject of the things I need to live right now, let’s discuss money. I think the government needs to create a breakup allowance. Think about it for a minute. They give money to people for far sillier reasons, like those who are too fat to work. This should be an offshoot of basic health care. I am in pain. I need a lulu sweatshirt and a pedicure. I need a train ticket to Toronto and London and plane tickets to Halifax, Vancouver and the UK so that I can visit all my favourites. Unfortunately, when I checked my bank balance this morning I had negative 18 dollars. Negative eighteen. And I haven’t even paid rent yet this month.

It’s a good thing I’m not eating or I might have to roast the cat.

TigerCat drove to CapitalCity on Saturday to check in on me. She walked in, took a look at me, deemed me too thin, and went straight to the store to buy provisions. She came back with – I’m not kidding – bagels, muffins, grapes, cheese, a baguette, kraft dinner, two-bite brownies and cookies. Good sister. I ate the cheese.

FauxHawk and I are trying to be friends. It might be the worst idea ever, but I’m nothing if not a nihilist. Neither of us knows how to untangle five years of life together. His mom sent me an email forward today of jokes about marital disputes. Something tells me she doesn’t know yet.

FauxHawk was taking care of Milo while I was in Vancouver, so on Saturday he drove him down to CapitalCity for me. The cat hates me for leaving him and has been tearing through my apartment like a wolf ever since. He stops only to poop and glare at me.

FauxHawk stayed for three hours. We sat on the couch, mostly in silence, and he put his arms around me while I lay my head on his shoulder, in that nook just under his jaw where I seem to fit so perfectly. The same spot where I used to rest my head at night, my naked arms draped over his chest, feeling him breathe. We cried and listened to the sounds of the rain hitting the pavement outside. There wasn’t much to say.

When my sister showed up, FauxHawk had left, but I was still curled up on the couch. My shirt smelled like him.

Guess I’ll add it to the “burn” pile.

Other items that must go in the burn pile include the toiletries that FauxHawk left in my bathroom. I’m a little worried that, if I don’t dispose of them, I’m going to get drunk one night and try to eat his deodorant or something. You know the scene in the 90s movie “Down to You” where Freddie Prinze Junior has to get his stomach pumped because he drinks his ex-gf’s shampoo? That’s a low I’d rather avoid, thanks.

Yesterday TigerCat had to leave, but I guess she was worried about the deodorant, too, because she literally kidnapped me and brought me with her. She gave me ten minutes to pack a bag and leave food for the cat. I said I would like to do something random so she took me – wait for it – berry picking. I’m not kidding. We picked 4 litres of strawberries and a pint of raspberries. My hands are covered in scratches and there are still bits of hay stuck to my feet. Also, there was a…disabled person…talking loudly….in the row beside us the entire time. That’s all I’ll say about that.

Randomness: achieved.

After the berry picking, it hit me that going home with TigerCat meant going to Universitytown. I panicked and started insisting that she drive me home, but by then it was too late. Me and 4l of strawberries were trapped.

But TigerCat took care of me. When we got to her place she ordered $70 worth of Chinese food, cracked open the wine, invited over TheCrazy, and we watched five hours of the HBO series “True Blood.” By the way, HotMess – you know how we needed a new tv show that’s full of hot sex? Watch True Blood. I want my rebound lay to be with a vampire.

So now I’m on the train back home. I’m sad, but there’s a bottle of wine in my fridge and I plan to stream the remainder of season 1 of True Blood until I pass out.

TheCrazy, Tigercat and I were all huddled on the couch together when we opened our fortune cookies. TigerCat is going to go on a long trip. TheCrazy is fortunate to be so flexible.

My fortune: You need to get in touch with your inner feelings.

Good to know the universe still has a sense of humour.

ThePeach

207 comments:

1 – 200 of 207   Newer›   Newest»
Spaz said...

I love you. I'll feed you when I return.

Hotmess said...

Thank you True Blood. Twilight's been teasing me along for two books now without sex. Bastards.

Anonymous said...

k, sorry, i've never done this before but i have to comment. i don't know how i found your blog but now i am addicted to it. drinking, reading it and commiserating.

i am a phd student, just broken up and i swear you are a projection of my psyche, or sumthin.

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