Tuesday, July 28, 2009

ThePeach's grandpa offers relationship advice

I had lunch with my grandpa today. He’s stepped up our visits to about one per week ever since my sister told him I was dumped. He’s trying to help in his own way, like by taking me for long drives to look at wild flowers, making me homemade jam, and sharpening an axe for me to take camping. That last one was nerve racking to watch – an old man shuffling around the garage with a fresh blade. Someone could have lost an eye.

Anyway, my grandpa knew I didn’t want to talk about my breakup, so he never brought it up. He just knew that I knew that he knew, and that was where we left it. I think he tried to bring it up once, in the car, but when he reached over to touch my arm he accidentally grazed my left boob and neither of us talked for the next 30 minutes.

Anyway, today was the day he finally cracked. At Montana’s restaurant. I had a mouth full of fries when he delicately put down his fried fish, looked me in the eye, and said:

“So. Did FauxHawk cut the cord, or did you?”

Oh jesus.

So then I had to explain my breakup to my 82-year-old grandpa as diplomatically as possible, in a Montana’s, in a LOUD AND SLOW voice. I’m pretty sure the line cooks now know that HE SAID HE WASN’T HAPPY ANYMORE AND I THINK HE HAD ISSUES WITH DETACHMENT.

My grandpa nodded slowly and sympathetically and then, in his slow lilting voice, offered me some advice.

“Just be careful not to rebound too much, sweetheart.”

I think my grandpa just warned me not to become a whore. Owned again.



Spaz said...

Accidentally grazed your left boob!!!


Didn't talk for 30 minutes!!!


Smelly Danielly said...

Thank God my Nonno is old and doesn't speak English that well. But I do love that he calls my Husband Chuck instead of Chad. Your story reminds me of the advice my Nonna gave me for my wedding night. Yea, that wasn't awkward at all.