Thursday, August 20, 2009

It's time for my Lisbion experience

Oh holy jesus.

At this time tomorrow I will be flying to Lisbon. Scratch that. At this time tomorrow I will be sitting in the airport in Philadelphia, hoping that my baggage makes it onto my connecting flight to Lisbon. And by 8am on Saturday I will be in Portugal.

Ok.

*screams*

ASSVENTURE TIME!!!

In true Peach style I’m completely unprepared for two weeks in a foreign country. I have booked exactly one hostel. Our first one. That is all. TheAmazon and I figure we’ll wing it from there, head down the coast, and hope for the best. As of yesterday I had 4 dollars in the bank, but luckily my grandpa loaned me money so that I don’t have to traffic myself just to have a roof over my head. But still, my funds are what we might call “limited.” I didn’t buy any kind of travel insurance, which means I’ll break my leg on day 1.

I packed, at least. Mainly bikinis, shpants and medication for every possible poop scenario. Bring on the garlic seafood, sangria and dysentery.

My grandpa wants to be helpful so I let him drive me around to run some errands today. Have you ever gone shoe shopping with a well-meaning 82-year-old man trying to bond with you on a feminine level? What I needed was trampy black wedge sandals for the bar that cost under 40 dollars. I got them. Thank you Payless.

But first I had to endure 20 minutes of this:

Grandpa: *stares at walls of discount shoes. Scratches head. Randomly picks up pair of hooker heels in size 11* Now….these are…patent leather….very classic…
ThePeach:…I think they’re a little big.
Grandpa: *Picks up pair of metallic pink flip flops* Pink…is…a feminine colour…for a lady…
ThePeach:...I think I like a different pair. *tries on wedge sandals*
Grandpa: *bends over. Stares at my foot.* Black…will match…every outfit…


Eventually I just bought the damn shoes before he could try to ask me about my period.

I’m trying to clean my apartment as I pack since I’m going to be getting back to CapitalCity only a few days before school starts, and I’ll be overwhelmed enough without having to call the police to come kill the contents of my fridge.

I started by bringing down my recycling. I’ve been throwing all of my recyclables into giant plastic bags ever since the breakup, and the heap kind of completely took over my foyer. I had to sort everything today, and that’s when I realized just how downhill my life has gone since I got dumped.

The contents of my recycling included:

- 5 jumbo Tanqueray bottles
- 2 jumbo Bombay Sapphire bottles
- 2 jumbo Vodka bottles
- 7 empty wine bottles
- 6 2L tonic bottles
- 10 cans of tonic
- 20 cans of redbull
- 2 OJ cartons
- 3 pizza boxes
- 3 10-pack of microwave popcorn boxes
- 4 kleenex boxes.

Well. I think that says everything right there, doesn’t it?

I should have saved it and made it into a modern art installation piece. I'd call it "drinking helps."

I guess this is why I need this vacation. It’s been almost two months now since FauxHawk and I broke up, and I see this as the final phase. I’m hoping to come back tanned, fat, relaxed, and with some serious perspective. FauxHawk and I were together for five years, but now I have my whole life ahead of me. All two years of it before I die of liver cirrhosis. Seriously, did you SEE MY RECYCLING????!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!

Bitches, I bid you adieu. I’ll try to update from Portugal, but paying for internet access makes me cranky. So for now I’ll leave you with this google image photo montage of how I imagine my trip will go:
I'll start every day with a light breakfast:
Take in a little scenery:

Have sex with Christiano Ronaldo:
And probably also this chick:
Love, kisses, and inappropriate touching,

ThePeach

3 comments:

thehippie said...

bon voyage/voyeur!!!! hope it gives you time to forget the fucker. p.s. lets eat cheese when you come back to the home land. love you tons. pps its 2:17am in canadialand and i just spent the past 5 hrs getting loaded during family time. happy vacation time to you and happy family time to me. peace and love!

Anonymous said...

Hope you have a slamming trip up in Portugal and bang some hot guys while your backpacking!!, hehe have a blast girl cuz you only live once cuz you deserve it!!!!!

quackattack said...

Um ... I miss you ... come home! :P

... oh, and I hope you're having a great time and all that crap, too.