Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Poverty is Delicious: Part 2.

I really do enjoy being skank-ass po’. I might make my ghetto food adventures a recurring entry.

The fun thing about freelance work is that the paycheques come very irregularly, if at all. So maybe I’ll have two weeks where I have money, and then I’ll pay all my bills and stock up on necessities like gin, Kraft Dinner, and peanut butter. And then I’ll go another 6 weeks with no income whatsoever. God help me if the rent is due during that time (it always is) and if the cat happens to need $250 worth of blood-work and $70 worth of prescription food (he always does, the little FAIDS bastard).

So, here I am, furiously writing articles about food allergies just to keep me out of debtor’s jail because I haven’t seen incoming money since early July, and bitch is hungry for lunch.

A quick check in the fridge shows that I currently am in possession of: mouldy pita bread, milk on the cusp of expiration, and some fresh basil. Also mouldy. Ok.

So, in times like this, you break out the reserves. Like the 10 lb bag of frozen peas that I keep in my freezer for scurvy emergencies and also to use as ice on my busted running knee. I have an identical bag of corn.

I also found an old can of tuna.

I give you: ThePeach’s Working Single Mother Tuna Noodle Casserole!

So named because I will probably feed my little bastards this exact meal in like 10 years, when I’m still earning the same amount of $ and have no mens to speak of.

Ok.

1. Cook some whole wheat pasta. Preferably macaroni. If, like me, you only have spaghetti, break it up into bite sized pieces.

2. While the spaghetti confetti is cooking, dump the can of tuna in a bowl. Add a can of cream of mushroom soup. Cream soups are the staple of any poor, single girl’s diet and no whore should ever let herself run out. I buy mine in bulk.

3. Remove the two 10lb bags of vegetation from the freezer. Whack them against the kitchen floor to break up the solid ice block they have surely become by now. When the bag of corn explodes all over the floor, like mine did, swear loudy and sweep the niblets under the stove. Deal with them in 3 months, when the smell starts.

4. Mix veggies in with tuna mushroom concoction. Add pepper. Add the cooked noodles. Top with bread crumbs. If you don’t own bread crumbs, toast some bread and mash it up in your hands. It’s very satisfying if you have rage. And, let’s be honest, if you’re single and poor you likely have a lot of rage.

TEAR THAT FUCKING BREAD INTO MOTHERFUCKING PIECES.

5. Bake at 350 for…well…I had a phone interview partway through the baking, so I really have no idea. 20 minutes? Before the burning starts.

6. Eat, bitch.

It really is delicious. And the cat got to lick the tuna can. Everyone wins!

Until he pukes tuna into my bed.

Then I lose.

ThePeach

5 comments:

Marlee said...

HAHAHA this kills me because SO many times I make that exact meal, tuna casserole, and it's almost always when I have no other food in the house.

The Peach said...

I can tell that we are going to be friends.

Claire said...

I think you should start freelancing to cookbooks.

Marlee said...

How could we not? You like gin, I like gin, you eat tuna casserole when you're poor, I eat tuna casserole when I'm poor. I'm pretty sure if you moved to Vancouver it could become a very dangerous thing for the both of us! Gin wise that is...

quackattack said...

Oh, she IS going to move to Vancouver ... I WILL make it happen ... even if it requires a lot of bribing with a lot of sushi and green. ... You know what I mean! ;)