Monday, November 09, 2009

Good morning to you, too.

Cats. They are vengeful little bastards.

I spent the weekend away and, when I got back, Milo was extra loving because he had been so lonely. He head-butted me with affection all night, curled up in a little ball on top of my stomach while I lay in bed, and purred like a monster while I slept. Wittle rat.

But I wasn’t fooled. I knew what was coming once the happiness of having me home again wore off.

Welcome to my Monday morning:

5:45am: Cat wakes up, drags stuffed mouse into the bed, starts pouncing on it on top of my stomach.
6:00am: Grows tired of mouse, but not of jumping on top of my body. Moves to my head. Gallops in place on my face.
6:15am: OH MY GOD A TOY MOUSE. JUMP JUMP JUMP WHIP IT IN THEPEACH’S FACE!!!!
6:30am: Howl. Howl. Howl. Howl. HOOOOOOOOOWL PAY ATTENTION TO ME.
6:45am: Resumes jumping on my face.
7:00am: Licks my face with raspy, smelly little cat tongue until I push him onto the floor. Immediately flies back onto the bed with agility of a furry eagle, as if his feet didn’t even hit the floor. Now he’s angry. Resumes howling. Adds biting.
7:15am: OH MY GOD A TOY MOUSE. ATTACK IT ON THEPEACH’S BLADDER!!!
7:30am: Bite. Bite. Bite. BITE. Gnaw.
7:45am: New tactic. Stands in place on my face, paws on eyelids, until I gasp from sensation of eyes being pushed backward into brain and flail about in bed trying to get him off me.
7:46am: I get up. Put on coffee. Cat gallops in circles around my feet.
7:47am: Open door to get newspaper. Cat sprints out the door, side-checking me on the way with such force that I almost fall over. Turns around once to glare at me, and then gallops like a demon stead through the hallways.
7:48am: GALLOP. ThePeach chases.
7:50am: GALLOP. ThePeach chases.
7:52am: GALLOP. ThePeach chases.
7:53am: Cat sprints back into apartment, hitting head on apartment door on the way in. Seems unfazed. Sits down by empty food dish and resumes howling. I feed him.
7:54am: Scarfs food like he just spent 2 years licking dirt in Ethiopia.
7:55am: Jumps into windowsill. Tries to hunt the cars driving by on the street below.
7:56am: Projectile vomits into windowsill.
7:58am: Curls up in a little ball on top of a cloth shopping bag on the kitchen table. Sleeps like angel.
8:00am: I call the vet to make appointment to have Milo put down before lunch.
8:02am: Chip cat vomit out of window tracks using a spoon.

Happy Monday!

ThePeach

2 comments:

Claire Brownell said...

That cat has some emotional issues. And possibly mental ones. I've never seen a cat just drunkenly walk into things the way Milo does. Also, he really likes being stroked with your riding crop.

Anonymous said...

Riding Crop?