Thursday, December 31, 2009


I used to wear red underwear every December 31.

It’s old wives tale that, if you wear red underwear on NYE, you will be engaged before the next year is out. When I admitted this to Spaz and MC last night over a bottle of red, they laughed their asses off and Spaz pulled a muscle in her neck. Rightfully so.

It’s hilarious for a few reasons, really. First, that I would subscribe to any kind of superstition. I don’t even believe in recycling, and I’m pretty sure that’s real. Second, that I wanted to be engaged at all. I mean…look at me. The idea right now of sharing my life with someone – forever – makes me break out in a stress rash. And I’m happy for my friends who are choosing this path, and jealous of their poufy dresses and shiny rings, but I have to admit that I laughed for approximately three days straight when one of my facebook friends posted a serious picture of her, her husband, and her newborn dressed up as Mary, Joseph and Jesus. I’m pretty sure that baby Spencer wasn’t a product of immaculate conception, honey. More likely a bottle of baby duck and an anniversary.


But there was a while when I thought FauxHawk and I would get married. He was in his 30s, a doctor, serious about life, and I kept hoping that the day would come when he’d break out the bling and I’d start my jew conversion classes. And I loved him stupid amounts, and told myself that maybe someday he’d start acting like I was important to him, and so I wore the fucking red underwear every year and fantasized about our venue (outside tent, CapitalCity, late September) and first dance (In my Life – The Beatles).

Turns out I wasn’t the person FauxHawk wanted me to be, as I discovered just this week. That was a fun conversation. Sharing is caring. Keep me away from the knives and the shower rod.

But the person that I am, right now, isn’t so bad. And if you want to date someone who pays all their bills on time and cleans the toast crumbs off the counter every morning, then you need to keep looking because that is never going to be me. The only thing I pay consistently is the poutine delivery man, and I prefer to use my kitchen counter for rough sex (after which I do wipe it down, actually).

So, it’s safe to say that my goals are slightly different this year. And 2010 is going to be great, once I get past the soul-suck of my final semester of school. I’m moving to TheBigCity in June to start working at TheBigNewspaper. Yes, I have a bonafide job. And I’m going to travel, and I’m going meet new people, and I’m going to spend time with my old people who I love and who don’t base my worth on my ability to drive, and I’m going to maybe train to run a half marathon if I can get my lazy ass off the couch, and I’m going to fuck while I’m still limber enough to be contorted, and I’m going to leave crumbs EVERYWHERE because I just fucking love toast, ok? I love toast. Sue me.

So, I’m not sure what kind of underwear I should wear tonight to bring about this awesome life.

Probably crotchless.

Happy New Year, bitches!!

Love, love, love,



quackattack said...

I love you just the way you are ... yes, I might have ripped that off of Bridget Jones' Diary. It's the thought that counts, right?

Oh, and in big cities we don't need to drive ... so screw licenses.

Tracy said...

I just love reading your blog, Peach! It's weird because I don't actually know you, but I stumbled upon your site awhile back and just can't stop reading.

I, too, just learned of this whole red underwear wives' tale, and I don't think I'll be following it either!

Have a very happy 2010 :)

MC said...

I am uplifted. There are tears in my eyes. Happy New Year, bestie friendie.

Current Location: said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Spaz said...

My little heart is full of joy - full of joy!

Should auld acquaintance be forgot...
and never brought to mind?


Anonymous said...

Good for you seester! I also like you, just the way you are! I do not mind cleaning your crumbs and coffee grinds off my counter :) You will be badass in 2010!


AsianCymbals said...

2010 really is going to be great! And since I live with my husband and baby with NEW baby on the way in a suburban hell just outside TheBigCity, you better come over a lot to eat my organic food and allow me to live vicariously through you and experience your exciting life through your stories. Because the most exciting thing that happens here is that we bought new furniture for our family room this week and it was on sale. I love you!! And if you change, I will hurt you.

The Peach said...

Oh, friends. Heart. Love.

Tracy: Ola. I was wondering who my California reader was.

Asian Cymbals: I will come over every week and eat your organic food and stare at your stomach. I'm depending on you, actually, to keep me from getting the scurvy.

MC/Spaz: Trifecta love.

QA: Cross-country love.

Sister: Let's go to the works.