Sunday, January 31, 2010

The joys of facebook, part 57.

This weekend the watermain for my building broke and we had no water for a day. Imagine waking up on a Saturday morning, hungover like a sunburned Mexican in the street, stumbling to the kitchen with a handful of advil in one hand and a glass in the other, twisting the tap, and:


Just air.

Other perks included not being able to brush my teeth or shower or make coffee, and worrying that the cat would dehydrate and die.

I changed my facebook status to moan about my situation, and I got a few pitying comments from friends and my sister.

Then I went to the gym, showered at BadInfluence’s house, and got drunk at SpongeBath’s.

When I woke up this morning (with water, thanks be to jebus) I had a new comment on my status.

We have a spare room with a king size bed and your own bathroom with hot and cold running water that's yours if you want it. And .......I would love to see you again. My heart has been aching to have you and TigerCat part of my life again.
- CoorsLight

CoorsLight, my ex step father who hasn’t tried to contact me in over 5 years. CoorsLight, who ruined my childhood and stole my college fund. CoorsLight, who made me hate gingers. CoorsLight, whose father – my childhood grandfather – used to come over and watch me suntan in my bikini in the backyard, from behind a curtain in the living room, when I was 13. CoorsLight, who got busted for having child porn on his computer while he was raising us. CoorsLight, who stole my Nintendo and kept it locked in his bedroom so I couldn’t play it. CoorsLight, who kept porn poorly hidden around the house, so poorly hidden that by the time I was 9 years old I knew what a gang bang looked like. CoorLight, who changed the locks on our house so that I had to break in through my own bedroom window just to pack my belongings in a laundry hamper and go live with my Dad for the summer while him and my mom ended their marriage, which he had pretty much already ended when he started fucking his dental hygienist.

CoorsLight. CoorsLight. COORS fucking LIGHT.

Right on my facebook wall. For the world to see. His heart aches. He wants me to live in his house, which he bought with the money he stole from my grandparents.

If you’ve ever wondered why I drink, this is a pretty big fucking clue.


I miss the good old days, when only my ex-boyfriend's mother, or old one night stands from Lagos used to post comments.

Thanks again, facebook.



Anonymous said...

Jesus! JESUS! I love when he drops these bombs. We get them about once every 2 years. I recieved a lovely message from him while I was vacationing in Australia on my birthday. The heartfelt, `Happy Birthday` - no love Coors Light, no how have you been. It is so weird. I think he does it while he is drunk, probably on Coors Light.


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