Monday, February 08, 2010

ThePeach has a week on the desk; meets some basic life standards

I’m on the desk for our radio show this week. I don’t have to do anything until Wednesday. This means instead of spending the entire weekend and all of Monday/Tuesday chasing and producing my story, I can…live my life? What is…this? This weekend I saw a movie. A MOVIE. I went out for a drink. A DRINK! I did my dishes. Ok, BadInfluence helped. Clean DISHES! I even gathered three weeks worth of torn apart newspapers and put them in a pile. A PILE!

Anyway, I also had a scarily productive morning today. I woke up at 6:30. Here is the shit I accomplished before 10:30am:

1) Read the most important, newsworthy section of the newspaper: lifestyle. Today I learned that the couple that tweets together, stays together. I also learned that today Librans ought not to go to extremes and should spin criticisms positively. We have a workshop to criticize each other’s profile assignments in our writing class tonight. My horoscope is always so wise. So wise.

2) Read the 12 profile assignments. Was impressed with classmates’ mad skillz. No need to criticize, anyway. My favourite was the profile of Famous NewsMan.

Quote: “If I couldn't rival his intellect I took comfort in the fact that I might at least compete with his fashion sense. NewsMan was known for his fancy suits but this time I would surely catch him off guard. The recent retiree was in the comfort of his own home and I was armed with my classic pin-striped blazer. I rang the doorbell and he greeted me. Dressed in a full suit.”

Not much makes me laugh out loud at 7am, sir. Well done.

3) Convinced two more potential interviewees to let me write about them for my magazine article on the “real” Lagos, through the eyes of the workers. One potential interviewee has a lace thong of mine hanging in his bar. The other is room-mates with the Irish Bartender and heard me doing…things. Convincing was not difficult. Professionalism questionable. Let the writing of “All in a Daze Work” commence!

4) Failed yet again to sync my iPod with my two new CDs: Metric and the New Moon soundtrack. This is my 67 hundredth attempt. God hates my music. He’s trying to tell me I’m too old for Werewolves and angst. Threw my iPod at the wall in rage after failing again. Froze iPod. Had to google instructions on how to re-set iPod. Re-set iPod. I consider that an accomplishment.

5) Got Vivian the landlady to stop the motherfucking BEEPING in the apartment across the hall from me. All weekend it has been BEEPING constantly. Like someone’s alarm has been going off for three days, or maybe their smoke detector, or maybe their pacemaker. THREE DAYS STRAIGHT. I knocked on the door a few times and no one answered. I know someone new just moved in. Is he deaf? Is he…dead? Either way, Vivian made it go away. That’s all I need to know.

6) Went for an 8km run. Outside. I don’t even know how I did this almost every day last year. Last winter was even colder than this one, and today I still had to stop halfway through my run to hold my mittens over my burning ears and scream like a chick. On the bright side, perhaps I also burned off some of the deepfry I ate on Thursday. And Friday. And the chemical butter on Saturday.

7) Got my period (sorry boys), thus ending the most suicidal and dark phase of PMS of my life. I’m talking lie on the couch for 2 days weeping with a blanket over my face because I can’t face the world, refuse to go grocery shopping despite the fact that the only piece of food in my fridge is half an onion, but I DON’T DESERVE TO EAT, consider dropping out of school, consider stroking the knives, can’t wear pants, can’t stop eating Chinese food, why doesn’t the cat love me, why doesn’t anyone love me, why are my tits so MASSIVE (oh, there you go dudes), seriously, I look like a porn star except I’m CRAZY, this cleavage is out of control, maybe I’m with child, oh my god I’m going to have a baby, oh wait I’m probably just fat, oh my god I’m fat in the tits, google health cleanses, google Bernstein diet, google lipo, google antidepressants, watch six episodes of Dexter while I eat chocolate chip poptarts, P to the motherfucking M to the holy sweet christ S.

Anyway, I feel much better.

And that’s what I did between 6:30am and 10:30am.

I’m exhausted.



quackattack said...


BadInfluence said...

Reasons I show up on your blog:
(1) I clean your apartment
(2) You use my shower
(3) I clean your dishes
I'm secretly your immigrant maid, aren't I?