Friday, May 28, 2010

One Week: Purgatory, Chernobyl and Roti Thursday

At the end of today I will have worked my first week at TheBigNewspaper.

Here is what I have learned:

1. The subway is fun. The subway during rush hour is not. The subway during rush hour in a heat wave is what I imagine purgatory might be (as opposed to the "Lost" sideways world where we all realize we died through our emotional connections to each other, and time is relative, and we convene in a multi-faith church that has doors to heaven, and where the FUCK is Walt??). Just riding in circles, getting elbowed by pushy old chinese ladies with carts and men in business suits, sweating on everything, trying to decide whether or not to move out of the way to allow people to get off at their stops or just stand in the doorway like an asshole bouncer of the yonge line = the grand test.

2. Even if you only have to walk 4 blocks from where your streetcar drops you off, don't wear your high heels to work. My feet look like chernobyl. They look like cambodian killing fields. They look like leprosy. I'm now one of those women who carries my shoes in my purse and treks to work in flip flops (I couldn't stomach the runners, I just couldn't. Maybe when I'm 40). I have actual holes in the backs of my feet. Red, wet holes that ooze body fluids while I air them out at night and then I wake up with my heels stuck to my sheets and have to rip the sheets off my feet and scream like a little bitch and wake Cig when my alarm goes off at 6am and then I have fresh holes instead of scabbed holes like I would prefer. It takes 3 giant elbow bandaids on each foot just to whimper my way into appropriate office shoes in the downstairs bathroom at my work. I work on the second floor and have to climb a flight of stairs everytime I go to the bathroom or buy a coffee = 45 times/day. Conclusion = I will be a double amp by July. How poetic.

3. The office has Roti Thursday. Every Thursday they order Rotis from this roti place around the corner, and they all get pretty excited about it. The order emails start circulating Wednesday, and all anyone can talk about Thursday morning is the merits of mild versus medium and garlic versus yogurt. My trainer was teaching me how to crop photos for the web when someone told him that the roti place brought back the mint sauce. His eyes actually welled up with tears.

I still don't think I'm properly conveying how obsessed my office is with Roti Thursday. When I first moved to the department I'm currently in, I noticed that the walls were covered with movie posters. Each poster, oddly enough, had an image of a brown dude in a chef's hat photoshopped into it. I would later find out he is the chef. So, there's a Raiders of the Lost Ark full-sized movie poster on the wall, except it says 'Raiders of the Lost Roti' and Indiana Jones is a brown dude in a chef's hat. Now, superimpose this theme onto evey movie poster you can think of ("Breakfast at Roti's," "A Roti runs throught it," Dude, where's my Roti?") and that is my office decor.

Tragically, I missed the order deadline for Roti Thursday. So I had to eat a ham sandwich.

Ah, I see that I will now be late for work. Perhaps I should shower. I'll just go wrap my feet in plastic bags and limp into the bathroom.

I hope my screams don't wake cig.



the other gay said...

Haha! I love the movie posters in tribute to Roti Thursday. Post pics of them! :)

Anonymous said...

Are you ever going to blog again? Surely your new job can't be taking up that much of your time. I'm waiting to hear your take on living in the G20 Secure Zone.

Anonymous said...

I concur with Anonymous. Plz 2 blog. :)

Cerky said...

Did you get stabbed by a one-armed hobo or something?

Is your life no longer oddly hilarious?

Did you die from a cheese and pot coma? Starve to death?

Missin' you...

Erica said...

I hope your open wounds wasn't the last of you.

Anonymous said...

come back peach!

Anonymous said...

3 months... Seriously.. 3 months?!?! What happened?

Too much gin?

You can't fit pants anymore and started stroking the knives?

The Kraft dinners finally see the end of you?

That soya sauce bottle finally get the better of you?

You eat some bad chinese after too many days in the fridge?

Come back ThePeach!

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Workahol said...

Please write again.

Anonymous said...

Will you ever write again? I am waiting with baited breath!

Anonymous said...

I think you mean bated, other anonymous, unless you mean you've scented your breath with gin.

Cerky said...

I think Anonymous totally means baited. Peach usually succumbed to our demands in the past.. this has been far too long.

Now we have to set a trap.

I've got cheese.

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