Wednesday, February 09, 2011

NO BABIES

Everyone in my family loves BadInfluence, which is great. My grandpa asks about him every time I call him – and how is your BI? – my Dad always asks when we’re coming to visit – you don’t even have to come. BI and I can hit the town ourselves – and my mother likes using him as an example of everything I did wrong in my romantic life before BI – isn’t it nice to have a man who actually enjoys being with you, Peach? It’s a big relief you found someone who likes you. Remember FauxHawk? Remember? I was so worried for five years. But I didn’t say anything, because that’s what mothers do. They support their children’s decisions. Even if they’re the wrong ones.

Ah, family.

This also means, now that I’m 28, the family makes no show of trying to hide how much they want to marry me off. They’ve probably already purchased and stabled two milking cows and a goat to give away as a dowry. The last time I had lunch with my mother and I suggested we go shopping, she asked if I wanted to try on wedding dresses – just to see if I like any. And while she was thinking of it, have BI and I ever talked about what kind of ceremony we would want, and would we use a pastor or a judge to wed us?

Let me interject at this point to add that, while BI and I have been friends for a long time, we’ve only been dating for, like, a year. And we’ve both only had jobs for 8 months, are drowning in debt, and I’m still afraid to open most of my bills. Basically, the family is encouraging us to join together in blissful bankruptcy.

TigerCat isn’t so bad. She’s very practical. She stands up for me when the family gets all crazy-like. Which is why our conversations on facebook chat the last few nights have really…disturbed me.

Monday:

ThePeach: Wassup negro.
TigerCat: I’m looking at pictures of babies.
ThePeach:…I see.
TigerCat: Have you and BI talked about having children yet?
ThePeach: Um. Mostly we talk about how to prevent them.
TigerCat: But he wants them, right?
ThePeach: Eventually, I guess.
TigerCat: I want to be an auntie. Have a baby!
ThePeach: I’m drinking alone on a Monday night while I look at facebook. I want to say a baby is probably not a good idea at this point in my life.
TigerCat: I WANT TO HOLD MY OWN KIN.
ThePeach: Tell CockDoc you need a puppy.

And then, Tuesday:

ThePeach: Sup slut.
TigerCat: I’m looking at pictures of cribs.
ThePeach: How did that even happen??
TigerCat: Well, I started out looking at furniture for when we move and things kind of deteriorated from there.
ThePeach: Oh my god.
TigerCat: There are a variety of practical cribs out there at reasonable prices.
ThePeach: I am not having a baby!!!!
TigerCat: Just one?
ThePeach: NO BABIES.
TigerCat: Ok, fine. But you have to either get married in the next 6 months, before I move, or not for 2 years, because I need to be here to plan your wedding.
ThePeach: WHAT IS HAPPENING? I’m going to bed!
TigerCat: Ok, yes! Good! Go make me little nieces and nephews!
ThePeach: Tell CockDoc you need a puppy.
TigerCat: You might be right.

NO BABIES.

ThePeach

6 comments:

Krista said...

The goats name is Betty. We have her ready when you are!

But seriously, I am not sure what is happening to me. I think I need a puppy stat! Or a hobby.

Krista said...

Also, I just had an image of what your baby shower could be like. Mon can plan it and it would be an Amway themed party! Awesome!

Made in China brand vitamins for all!

Anonymous said...

It slightly ruins the illusion of mystery when you use your real name, TigerCat. Sheesh! ;)

... it also slightly frightens me that I could see an Amway baby shower happening.

weeone said...

NO BABIES!!! :)
i heart that you have been writing/blogging again!

Cleavage said...

The Englishman's cousin just announced she's "up the duff" as they say here. Pressure's off us for at least two years, or until the wee bairn stops being cute. I can taste your envy.

asian cymbals said...

If you need to get TigerCat off your back temporarily, I'd be happy to lend you any of my babies. Well, one's a toddler, but he sings the alphabet as well as some other preschool songs and likes to play with his penis in the shower, so he's good entertainment. The other one is just plain adorable and eats dirt. Take your pick, though it would be best for me if you took both of them at the same time.

I love you, btw.